“A world of endless wonder.” – Mrs. Fredrick
I don’t watch Syfy shows that often. Or any, really. I’m not sure why, I guess I’ve just always had this image in my head of what Syfy shows are like. The fact that Warehouse 13 aired for two whole seasons prior to last night’s Season Three premiere and I wasn’t even aware of its existence is evidence of my level of investment in the channel. After checking out the premiere, “The New Guy,” I am totally kicking myself for not giving Syfy a shot sooner. Psyche! Warehouse 13, unfortunately, is exactly what I feared it would be.
“The New Guy” is just plain bad. Although I can’t say for sure, as I haven’t seen any of it, but I suspect the first two seasons aren’t great either. I’m really worried now that someday Syfy is going to come out with a really great show and I’m going to refuse to watch it because of this experience combined with my preconceived notions. I know what you’re going to say: “But Syfy already had a great show!” Maybe so. Battlestar Galactica might be the best show ever, but I wouldn’t know, never seen it. Why haven’t I seen it? Because it was on Syfy, that’s why. And all of you BSG fanboys out there, why don’t you ratchet it down a peg with the message board chatter on all of the TV sites. I know some people who aren’t into science fiction that checked the show out because their nerd friends wouldn’t shut up about how awesome it is and they have all said the same thing, “I don’t get why people love this show so much.”
I realize that at times I can come off sounding like a bit of a hater, but I’m willing and able to give credit where is credit due. Here’s some credit, coming right at ya SyFy: Warehouse 13 has a pretty cool premise. The show is about a secret group of government agents who operate a warehouse filled with magical and dangerous historical artifacts. While there is a lot about this premise that I don’t quite understand (like why the artifacts have magic powers), I have to admit that there is at least a little bit of potential there. Unfortunately, from this morsel of potential grows a rote procedural of the most vanilla order.
The group consists of Peter (Eddie McClintock), a handsome (not really) and debonair (not at all) field agent responsible for tracking down the rogue artifacts, Claudia (Allison Scagliotti), a sassy rocker chick, Artie (Saul Rubinek), the father figure, and Steve (Aaron Ashmore), the new guy with an uncanny ability to determine whether or not someone is telling the truth. CCH Pounder plays Mrs. Fredrick, Warehouse 13’s reclusive leader and butt of a seriously unfunny slavery joke. Season premieres, especially from shows without a large core audience, are often used to bring new viewers up to speed. Not so much with Warehouse 13. In the first 45 minutes, characters made dozens of references to someone named Myka (Joanne Kelly) who had recently left the group, but first time viewers like myself were mostly left in the dark about who the person being referred to is.
The performances are bland. No one in the white-washed (with the exception of CCH Pounder) cast has an ounce of screen presence (again, with the exception of CCH Pounder and possibly Joanne Kelly). The entire hour was a constant struggle to keep my eyes focused on the people on screen, they kept drifting toward the ceiling and then, inevitably, the clock.
The special effects and sets look incredibly cheap. For some reason, everything in the warehouse radiates electricity and the special effect is reminiscent of Emperor Palpatine circa 1980. The warehouse sets are dark and cluttered, completely aesthetically displeasing. Nothing about the titular space could be described as looking “stylish” or “cool.” The props are not only cheap looking, but in some instances they’re sort of bizarre. Don’t ask me why, but when Pete is out in the field he communicates with his teammates back at the warehouse using some kind of video phone that looks like it was built during the Second World War. So you’ve got the Shroud of Turin in a glass case in your office but you can’t get your hands on an iPhone?
The script is atrocious. Like I said before, the premise could be decent, but the execution here leaves a lot to be desired. The mystery-of-the-week style plotting is completely ripped from Procedural TV Shows for Dummies. Warehouse 13 just swaps murder weapons and interrogation rooms for statues that come to life and guitars that shoot lightning bolts. Unfortunately, the dialog isn’t much better than the story. While the actors don’t do the writers any favors by delivering the lines in a style that screams “daytime television”, the words on the page aren’t great to begin with.
Well, I suppose this is the part of the review where I’m supposed to give you a bit of a recap of the episode. Do I really have to? Fiiiiine.
The Warehouse 13 crew responds to an indecent at a museum in Jersey City. The whole building is being pounded by lightning bolts and the authorities think it might be some kind of bomb. Pete and Claudia sneak inside and find an exhibit about Jimi Hendrix, complete with a “game-used” guitar. Claudia picks up the axe, screws in the whammy bar and blasts out a few sweet licks. Viola, lightning stops! At the crime scene they meet and recruit Steve, an ATF agent with potential.
Later a woman in Denver is bitten by an invisible snake who seems to burst forth from a piece of paper to strike her. Soon after, a man is stabbed by an invisible knife when he too touches a piece of paper. Team Warehouse is dispatched and they discover that the pages belong to Shakespeare manuscript called “The Lost Folio”. Myka returns to the crew after Pete shows up at her new job, a bookstore, and begs for her help with the Shakespeare case. The man in possession of the book is using it take out unsuspecting victims. His motives are unknown, but at the end of the episode we see him report to a superior. His boss is probably the most cliche villain in modern television history. The guy is literally a “shadowy figure”. All he is a silhouette in an armchair surrounded by a cloud of smoke.
The episode ends with Congress voting to slash funding for secret government agencies. The Warehouse is demolished to make room for a Roy Rogers franchise and all of the artifacts are destroyed in the process. Wait, no, that’s just a dream I had when I dozed off around the 52-minute mark.
This review originally appeared on TV Geek Army.