“I’m basically all the Jersey Shore kids in one.” – Chuck
By nature, reality show contestants are generally a pretty desperate bunch. They’re desperate for fame, for recognition, for attention, for money. Usually reality shows try to hide, or at least downplay, the desperation. But not Ton of Cash. VH1’s newest show is built on desperation.
Here’s how it works: a dozen or so “broke” people compete to win a share of a $1,000,000 prize to use toward paying down their massive personal debts. The object is to physically move the $1,000,000 (which supposedly weighs a ton, literally) from Los Angeles to Las Vegas by hand.
Sounds simple enough, right? Well it isn’t. Those of you who have been following my Take The Money and Run reviews know that my biggest criticism about that show is the vagueness of the rules. Ton of Cash suffers from the exact opposite problem: there are way too many rules. First, the money is moved from LA to LV through a series of check points. Each check point is timed and if all the cash doesn’t make it to the next checkpoint in the allotted time, the cash that is left in the middle is deducted from the possible winnings. Secondly, for each checkpoint, one contestant is chosen to be the Financial Advisor. The Financial Advisor can choose one of two options once the time runs out for his or her checkpoint: he or she can decide to give their team some more time to move as much money as they can, or they can forfeit any money still out there and save themselves the chance of going into that week’s elimination. Oh yeah, I forgot, there are eliminations every week.
Confused yet? Well, there’s more. If the Financial Adviser chooses to save themselves (as happened in last night premiere), he must choose three other contestants to go into elimination. The rest of the cast votes and the winner of the vote avoids the elimination round. The two losers square off in a head-to-head challenge and the winner gets to stay. You still with me? No? Let’s continue anyway.
The show is hosted by Dhani Jones, a man who is no stranger to desperation himself. He desperately wants to be a TV star, but I just don’t see it happening for him. As a host, he was decent enough on Dhani Tackles the Globe and ESPN2’s Timeless, but he’s just too damn vanilla for VH1. I never thought I’d say this, but he needs to take a page out of T.J. Lavin’s playbook and come up with a catchphrase or something. Maybe something football related. Like, instead of “You killed it!”, how about “You got great penetration through the A-Gap and took the challenger down from his blindside!” Hmmmm, needs a little work, but I think you get the point.
In last night’s premiere, Justin, a gay man who I thought was a post-op female to male transsexual for nearly the entire episode, is chosen to be the first Financial Advisor. He elects to go the selfish route and save himself from elimination, costing the group almost $150,000. This does not sit well with “Tell It Like It Is” Chuck, a gorilla juicehead who is “basically all the Jersey Shore kids in one.” Chuck calls Justin the “f-word” (well, actually both “f-words”), which doesn’t sit well with some of the other cast members. Unsurprisingly, Justin votes Chuck into the elimination round along with Deshaun (A.K.A Bigg Whip), who passed out during the opening round of money moving, and Jaime, a big-time crybaby. The other contestants vote to save Chuck because he’s big and strong and can help them win, which means Deshaun and Jaime must go head-to-head. Jaime wins the elimination round and sends Bigg Whip packing. “I not only passed out, I lost to a cry baby,” he laments on his way out.
I didn’t hate Ton of Cash, even though I thought I might. Despite the confusing rules, the concept of the challenge is pretty interesting. Unlike the broadcast networks, VH1 knows how to get the most of out their reality shows: copious amounts of alcohol. There is enough drinking and unstable personalities on this show to give it “train wreck” potential. I don’t know if I’ll go out of my way to watch Ton of Cash again, but if it happens to be on I’ll probably give it another chance.
This review originally appeared on TV Geek Army.