“Like the penis raises, and they go ‘yes’! The penis goes down, and they go, ‘no.’” – Patti
Tag: Reality TV
Love & WWE: Bianca & Montez, “Too Busy To Get Busy”: butt hurt
“It’s just been a constant, constant ripping and running, left and right, north and south, east and west.” – Montez
Grand Cayman: Secrets in Paradise, “Tropic Like It’s Hot”: paradise has a price
“It’s a small island with so much temptation.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Lonnie/Patrick”: no sex rules
“This sounds like a Russian mail order thing.” – Lonnie
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jeff/Julien”: the flagpole rises
“He’s not really rocking. He’s a software guy.” – Patti
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Dave/Harold”: okey dokey smokey
“I’m looking for a girl that has the compliments and the beauty of Maxim meets FHM, with a Harvard degree, who’s sweet as sugar, who got off the farm, and wouldn’t expect a thing.” – Patti
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “The Plastic Surgeon & The Pole Dancer”: God complex
“She’s a stripper teacher. Let’s call it what it is.” – Patti
Kourtney & Kim Take New York, “Go Get Your Man”: countdown to divorce
“The Hump is back!” – Kris
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Mama’s Boy Meets Southern Gentlemen”: paragliding for love
“Anybody have sex on a boat? Anybody get pregnant on a boat?” – William Stern
Jersey Shore re-watch! “Fade To Black” (S0104): beating up the beat
“We’re gonna have sex. That’s the situation.” – The Situation
Jersey Shore re-watch! “Good Riddance” (S0103): like a trash bag
“Yo, seriously, it’s like she’s on a whole other level with pickles.” – Jwoww
Jersey Shore re-watch! “The Tanned Triangle” (S0102): Ron-Ron Juice
“I just have unbelievable mass appeal.” – Mike The Situation
Dead in the Water documentary is a PSA to not be a tourist in a country enduring civil war
The thing that screams out to me is don’t be a tourist in a country that’s enduring a civil war.
Jersey Shore re-watch! “A New Family” (S0101): party’s here
“My only rule: never fall in love at the Jersey Shore.” – Ronnie
Lost U-Boats of WWII hunts for buried Nazi treasures
A mixture of Geraldo Rivera’s The Mystery of Al Capone’s Vaults with some Jacques Cousteau elements thrown in.
Deal or No Deal Island takes its sums of money to the island tropics
Boston Rob: “This might be some of my best work to date.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Hello Kitty in a One Horse Town”: smellology in the dating arena
“No offense, she’s a large sized woman.” – Patti
Little Women: NY, “Big City, Little Women”: six little women, one Filipino sidekick
“You gotta have that attitude to live in New York.” – Jordanna
Sin City Murders examines “chilling homicide cases” in Las Vegas
I’m guessing the Las Vegas Tourism Board isn’t going to be actively promoting Sin City Murders, but who knows?
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice”: squishy gishy
“It’s not like, hey world, see my tits!” – Patti
Love & WWE: Bianca & Montez, “Long Distance Love”: going to Chamber
“I have to share him with the world even more now.” – Bianca
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Cooking and Queening”: plowing ’till the corn comes up
“I know you are because your tits are telling me.” – Patti
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “House of Cards”: the bimbo comment
“Snip, snip, snip. Off go the balls.” – Patti
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Brooklyn vs. Botox”: sake bombs
“I’m looking for a girl with junk in the trunk, Kim Kardashian-style.” – Jason
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Reunion Part 1”: bad pennies come home to roost
The ghosts of Patti’s past come back to haunt her on the Season 5 Millionaire Matchmaker reunion special.
Couple to Throuple: reality TV expands to couples looking for a “third”
“If you were given the chance at non-monogamy in paradise, what would you do?”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jersey in the House”: spin, spin, spin
“No offense, if she’s a Pilates instructor, did she eat the entire class?” – Patti
Toddlers and Tiaras, “Lollipops and Gumdrops Pageant”: MaKenzie’s back
A Toddlers and Tiaras all-star returns to steal the show.
Alone: Frozen, “50 Day Freeze”: squirrel alarm
Winning Survivor seems kind of easy compared to this, was my first thought.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Welcome to the Big Apple”: douchebag city
“The Gruber chastity belt, it’s made of like a titanium alloy.” – Bryce Gruber
Kitchen Nightmares, “Revisited, Part 2”: flashback time eaters
Gordan Ramsay revisits two restaurants, which provides an opportunity to eat up lots of time with flashback footage.
Kitchen Nightmares, “Revisited, Part 1”: negative negative
“You know what a guido is? That’s what she’s looking for.” – Adele on fortysomething daughter Cheryl
Kitchen Nightmares, “Mill Street Bistro, Part II”: oh Joe
“My dad wanted to choke Joe out.” – Mill Street Bistro employee
Kitchen Nightmares, “Mill Street Bistro, Part 1”: greasy slop
“You’re a small man with a fake bistro.” – Gordon Ramsay
Kitchen Nightmares, “La Galleria 33 Part 2”: lunatics leading the asylum
“I really want to go home. I need a cooler… I’m just gonna have a glass of wine.” – Lisa
Kitchen Nightmares, “La Galleria 33 Part 1”: beginning of the end
“I’m really hoping he’s not getting the seafood ravioli.” – Rita
90 Day Fiancé, “Dearly Beloved”: I’m freaking out
It’s a new season of 90 Day Fiancé, and we meet four new couples: Ashley and Manuel, Jasmine and Gino, Sophie and Rob, and Nicole and Justin.
Love & WWE: Bianca & Montez, “Crunch Time”: show, don’t tell
“We basically live in Jurassic Park.” – Bianca
The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Justin & Kevin”: a divorce waiting to happen
“This is textbook Harvard School of Psychology chauvinism.” – Patti
Love & WWE: Bianca & Montez, “The Training Game”: solo artistry
“It’s good to know that all my weirdness and differentness, it’s got me to basically live out my dreams.” – Montez
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Ayinde & Will”: eight with a brain
“Does the term a-hole mean anything to you?” – Patti
Love & WWE: Bianca & Montez, “Planning A Baby”: streets ahead
“We’re The Street Profits, not The Street Deficits.” — Montez
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Douglas & Nicole”: superficial uber-narcissism
“Looks fade, and dumb is forever.” – Patti
Love & WWE: Bianca & Montez, “Love & WWE”: street profits
The road to WrestleMania for Bianca Belair and Montez Ford begins.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Trevor & Tricia”: switch hitting
“If anyone can figure out if Tricia’s bi-sexual, it’s Tyler.” – Patti
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jimmy D & Mateo”: off-brand Scarface
“Oy vey.” – Patti
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jason & David”: perfectly rehab
“They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no, no, no.” – Amy Winehouse, “Rehab”
Below Deck, “She’d Better Not Be Saying”: Adrienne Unleashed
“Serving Adrienne makes me want to vomit in her face.” – Kat
Below Deck, “Strains, Stains and a Big Pain”: bury the kiss hatchet
“Ultimately everyone wants what they can’t have.” – Ben
Below Deck, “Bitchy Resting Face”: blame the blanket
“Balls and everything. That’s not cool.” – Ben
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Smike & Rupert”: let’s get metaphysical
“How LA cliché can you get?” – Patti
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Shauna & Michael”: cougar crazy
“The Botox b—- is back.” – Patti
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Justin & Tyler”: riding that ride
“How much can you brag, Mr. Emmy?” – Patti
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Omar & Nick”: hauling junk
“I’m a professional, you need to trust me, okay? Otherwise, you’re gonna point your pecker in the wrong direction.” – Patti
Project Runway, “Go Big Or Go Home”: stilted walking
The designers are tasked with dressing stilt walkers as the competition reaches new… heights.
Project Runway, “The Art of the Matter”: art meets form
The designers get a little inspiration from some young art students.
Project Runway, “It’s A Party”: flamenco funeral dancers
Is the party over for Project Runway?
Project Runway, “Off the Track”: quitters, tripping, and butt toe
The designers run for the glory.
Flipping Out, “Wake-Up Call”: topping her off
“Do you think I like to be angry? I don’t.” – Jeff
Flipping Out, “New Kid on the Block”: further away from crazy
“If you’re trying to win a popularity contest, you’re in the wrong business, Sarah.” – Jeff Lewis
Flipping Out, “Too Much of a Good Thing”: mommy loves her little monkers
“Inefficiency. I waste time on all this bulls— and don’t and get anything done. Good morning, happy Monday.” – Jeff Lewis
Flipping Out, “Never Mix Food With Business”: te gusta Elmo
“I’m on your journey… We’re working for your smile.” – David, the mildly creepy owner of Arte de Mexico
Flipping Out, “Never According to Planner”: bubble wrapped antagonism
“it’s not like I can complain to Human Resources because Jenni’s Human Resources, so I’d be complaining to Jenni about Jenni.” – Jeff
Flipping Out, “Hard to Break Family”: painted on Girl Scout jumpsuits
“I’m not above whoring out my assistants. For business.“ – Jeff Lewis
Flipping Out, “Hot Streak, Lots of Baggage”: the Jeff Lewis (martini) experience
“You just don’t want to push a lesbian too far, because they can be tough. And I love the lesbians.” – Jeff Lewis
Chasing Mummies, “Discovered”: national lampoon’s Egypt gone stupid
Between the enormously dumb and the intensely boring.
Chasing Mummies: yeah, it sure looks like the show is staged
Sending people on screen who in theory are who we’re told they are, but in fact are something significantly different, throws everything we’re watching into question.
Chasing Mummies, “Stuck”: a sarcophagus reality
The History Channel’s version of The Hills?
Ancient Aliens, “The Visitors”: appropriately mysterious
They really look like ancient astronauts.
Ancient Aliens, “Alien Tech”: Merlin’s magical rod
“According to many ancient astronaut theorists…” – Voiceover Guy
Ancient Aliens, “Aliens and Monsters”: gorgons, sphinxes, and griffins
Were the mythic creatures of lore really alien creations?
Doomsday Preppers, “Back To The Stone Age”: second chances
“I refuse to be a victim.” – Tim
Doomsday Preppers, “Bullets, Lots of Bullets”: hot preppin’
“I’m a prepper because I’m prepping for when s— hits the fan.” – Paul
Curse of the Frozen Gold: pursuit of long-lost loot
The legend of Slumach’s Gold begins.
Zombie House Flipping: the not undead flip homes to make bread
Despite The Walking Dead-inspired name, this reality show says something about the soul of the American dream.
Toddlers & Tiaras, “Southern Celebrity Glitzmas”: merry glitzmas
The crazy kids and their makeup wagons come out for some holiday fun.
Toddlers & Tiaras, “Southern Celebrity Mini Nationals”: Brock rock
“When Mommy cries, it makes me happy.” – Sydney
Toddlers & Tiaras, “Glamorous Beauties”: passion for pageants
“I’m Emerald and I like to win!” – Emerald
Sister Wives, “4 Houses, 4 Relationships”: splitting at the seams
“We should be moving furniture into one house, not four.” – Kody
The Boonies: National Geographic’s off the grid reality exploit
“Genie! We got us a goat!” – Doc
Toddlers & Tiaras, “Halloween Bash”: scary for reals
“A little bit of pain to win a little bit of better title? She’ll take that all day long.“ – Jamie, on her daughter Chloe
Kitchen Nightmares, “PJ’s Steakhouse”: the quest to not suck that bad
“You know what I know about running a high end steak house? Apparently not much.” – Joe the owner
Kitchen Nightmares, “Sushi Ko”: who’s up for sushi pizza?
“He doesn’t get off his skinny ass.” – Lisa
Kitchen Nightmares, “Mama Rita’s”: try the frozen chimichangas
“Are you her boss or are you her friend?” – Gordon Ramsay
Kitchen Nightmares, “Spanish Pavilion”: like undertakers at a funeral
“The freshest thing in this kitchen is that pigeon flying around, and he’s lucky he’s still alive.” – Gordon Ramsay
Kitchen Nightmares, “Fleming”: it’s like a party in your mouth
“My gran could do better, and she’s dead!” – Chef Gordon Ramsay
Kitchen Nightmares, “Classic American”: serving all of youse all day
“Every night sucks hee-uh.” – Teresa the waitress
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Divorced From Reality”: from creepy to freaky
“If I had to choose one body part, whether it’s boobs or butt, definitely a butt man.”- Doug Kepanis
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Opposites Don’t Attract”: married to the mob
“This is like one of the first tees I came out with: ‘Boys Ain’t S— But Hoes and Tricks.’ I obviously have some issues with guys.” – Leah
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Dateapause”: what’s a girl to do?
“Don’t tell me you have that whiny obnoxious New York Jewish type that just doesn’t listen to me, ’cause I just can’t handle that right now.” – Patti Stanger
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Cinderella and Moondoggie Walk into a Bar…”: looking shabby shabby
“Every time I do a romance novel they tell me a bit of history.” – Cindy
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “The Player and the Piano Player”: gals grilling
Can Patti turn two different players into lovers?
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Patti Meets Her Mate”: nosedive into snoozeville
“You are gay to the gay gay gay.” – Rachel
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “The Boys Are Back in Town”: hot boys unite
Patti does her first all-gay mixer with some stellar results.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Sweet Yigit and Johnny Limousine”: Pura-fied Nutella
“If there’s a chakra that’s closed down, then I’m happy to open it.” – Johnny Simon
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “There’s No Place Like Home”: hello sunshine and fake boobs
Patti Stanger is back in LA, ready to match together hearts and checkbooks.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “The Prince and I”: old money and new money
A literal prince and a nerd seek love from Patti and her team.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “The Young and the Loveless”: Jersey gents, Brentwood b…
“There are people that fake it till they make it? I don’t really have to fake it, ’cause I’ve already made it. But I could make it even more.” – Skylar Hausewirth
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “The Chauvinist and the Playboy”: she blew it
Two businessmen try to find the women who will make their babies.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “The Brothers Cruz”: we’re going to pump you up
A pair of brothers try Patti’s patience.