“Am I allowed to get a BJ on like the date?” – Freddie Mitchell
The season finale to The Millionaire Matchmaker’s fourth season delivered, as I’m sure the show producers knew it would as they saved the return of crazy Stacy Kessler for last.
Check out our full and snark-tastic Millionaire Matchmaker episode guide and updates! Trash and treasure in equal increments, we promise.
But first let’s start with Patti’s other client for the week. Freddie Mitchell is a former NFL wide receiver who played for the Philadelphia Eagles for five seasons. He’s got a six-year old daughter (more on that below) and is concerned about being burned by gold digging groupies. He also relates his fiancé dumping him to the time period after the Eagles lost the Super Bowl to the New England Patriots a few years back, which you’d have to think makes a few people in those northern reaches grin, Dr. Evil style.
After watching his intro video, Matchmaker-in-Chief Patti Stanger declares, “Grow some f—king cock and balls. I’m sorry, I don’t have the patience for this. Stop picking the wrong losers.” Which essentially means that it’s time to get to work.
When they meet, Patti advises Freddie not to give potentially gold digging girlfriends cash or a credit card before he’s married. This blows Freddie’s mind, and he replies that he needs a pad to jot all of these revolutionary ideas down. Going further, Patti steps things up to the Advanced Level by advising that he is allowed to give the ladies gifts and jewelry, which has the positive outcome of resulting in Freddie – taking this line of thinking and running with it as though streaking down the metaphorical gridiron of life – asking the ultimate question that all men want to know: “Am I allowed to get a BJ on like the date?”
Meanwhile, Stacy Kessler (AKA Crazy Stacy), the actress/model/host/life coach/inventor/astronaut is back. And yes, we can report that she’s crazier than ever. As soon as she returns to Patti’s office, things go thermonuclear. Stacy demands an apology for Patti having tossed her out of the office during the last go round (with a classic, “Get the f—k out of here!”) and Patti flatly refuses. Destin, using his goth-chic powers, is able to settle everyone down though. Patti has Stacy take a lie detector test to “prove”; that she’s there for the right reasons, which seems to me is the craziest thing of all, but she passes and is allowed to move onto the mini-date round of the competition, er, matchmaking process.
At the mini-date, Freddie selects Adrienne, a gemologist, and Maria, an action stunt coordinator. Patti and crew are impressed and indeed they seem to be solid choices. During their few minutes of alone time, Adrienne’s accent “slips” and suddenly transitions from New York City professional to major league country girl. “What happened to the Grey Poupon?” Freddie asks, but ends up choosing her nonetheless.
During the interview process to generate fresh meat for the cocktail mixer, I enjoyed Patti talking smack about Stacy throughout, which happened to be in front of potential husbands for her client. You know, for what with the matchmaking and so forth. Also amusing: Patti hypocritically calling out Pete at the mixer for essentially doing exactly the same thing. It’s good to be the Queen Matchmaker, I guess.
Not one to be undeterred from her Path of Crazy, Stacy elects to have Pete and Eben for her mini-date round, both of whom do financial-type stuff. “It sounds like you’re all over the place,” Eben soon says. He doesn’t know the quarter of it. Stacy ends up choosing him, which seems like the wiser choice with a total bozo as competition.
For the “master date” (Master Date Theater?), Freddie takes Adrienne on a helicopter ride around New York City, and Adrienne squeals like a little girl. “We’re having a better day than you are,” she declares to the Little People down below (or to those sipping cocktails on the rooftop of one of astoundingly gorgeous buildings on Central Park West, specifically), tauntingly.
Later, on the way to dinner, Adrienne reveals that she has Googled Freddie, and questions him about not paying his child support. Or you know, typical first date flirty banter. How many brothers and sisters do you have, blah blah blah, oh by the way the Internet told me that you’re a deadbeat dad. Is that true? Clearly uncomfortable, Freddie replies rather diplomatically with, “They say believe 10% of what you read.”
Freddie loosens up during dinner when talk of sports and athletics comes up. Soon he dares Adrienne into letter him put her in The Chair, a cheerleading pose where one person holds up another in the air so that it looks like they are sitting in a chair. “Your hand is right here, her ass is right there,” Freddie tells the cameras, explaining the many benefits of The Chair. After the date, Freddie decides Adrienne is not The One, however, The Chair and its Powers or no. He and Patti agree that he needs to go out with Maria next as his “picker” is improving.
Meanwhile, even though in theory the man is supposed to plan the date even in the case where the client is a lady millionaire, Stacy decides to take Eben to a screening of something called The Lingerie Script, some sort of schlocky promotional-type video (I guess?) about herself, which ends with her posing in bra and panties. “Watching those videos as part of like the date is a little self-promoting, and I wasn’t feeling that at all,” Eben tells the camera. At the least though I’m sure he could enjoy how hideously hilarious “those videos” are, at least from the few seconds with which we were able to bear witness.
They move onto Johnny Utah’s for lunch, and Eben quickly slams the breaks on any kind of date momentum that might have been building in Stacy’s mind, telling her that he thought showing him the video was over-the-top and that he’s not feeling any chemistry with her overall. Stacy soon departs as Eben continues to enjoy his tasty burger and fries (and honesty).
Perfect example of reality show editing: we see Patti learning the background on the date from Eben prior to Stacy coming into the office (as opposed to Freddie, where we simply have a phone call conversation). Now we have the set-up for Magic Time. Stacy and Patti go at it once again, with Stacy demanding that she wants A Real Man. Patti “officially releases” her from the club, arms moving with a flourish (and directly towards the exit door).
And thus ends the New York City-themed season of The Millionaire Matchmaker. Pretty entertaining stuff overall, especially if you enjoy train wreck reality TV with sharp editing and production as much as I do and I look forward to seeing the gang back in action in Los Angeles.
More thoughts on this week’s edition of rich-types matchmaking:
- Recently I revealed that I get a little bit uncomfortable when Patti says “va va voom.” This week’s update: “yummy yummy yummy in my tummy.”
- “I’m overwhelmed by women. I need some f—king penis.” – Patti
- Freddie says that he made “most of his money” from the NFL and that he’s worth “well over $5 million.” Now that he’s retired, he’s a “venture capitalist” and can “load his money” into whatever ventures he wants.
- “Patti always pulls out these formulas and theorems.” – Stacy
- “Did she not take her Adderall today?” – Patti on Stacy during the mixer
- Eben says “hello hello” to Stacy. Gary Dell’Abate would be proud.
- Anyone wish that the lie detector analyst could have been Ed Torian?
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Fred-Ex Delivers”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 4, Episode 12
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Clay Adkins, Zagros Bigvand, Jared Christopherson
This review was originally published on TV Geek Army.