Skip the lifeboats, everybody drown yourselves on the sound of the whistle!
This week’s edition of The Millionaire Matchmaker featured two guys who are much closer to the typical mold for this reality show: spoiled, aging yuppies who are into some combination of new age-y pursuits and young age-y women. That is to say: this is the world where our girl Patti Stanger thrives.
Check out our full and snark-tastic Millionaire Matchmaker episode guide and updates! Trash and treasure in equal increments, we promise.
We have Greg Knoll, surfer and skier from Manhattan Beach, California. He’s been engaged twice, and seems to specialize at ditching women, sometimes before the first date. Patti’s solution is to give him two doses of Botox, one dose of calling him a douche, and then sends him off into the wild. Zagros, meanwhile, broke Patti’s cardinal rule some time back in sleeping with a woman on the first date. “No sex without monogamy,” Pattie sternly warns. However, a little schmoozing and some undisclosed amount of money later, Zagros is back in business.
Meanwhile, Patti and team go see a psychic. I couldn’t help but wonder whether the millionaire matchmaker is a little concerned that her buy in on astrology might cause some of her high powered clients to maybe not trust her so much? Or am I getting things completely backwards when it comes to the Los Angeles dating scene?
More thoughts on this week’s matchmaker:
- It’s a little disturbing when Patti uses words like “hottie patottie” and “jump on him” and “shpickle” (I think?). Cool that she’s on Skype though.
- It’s more than a little disturbing when Patti discusses Zagros sleeping with women on the first date with Z’s mom.
- Goth/spiky-haired Destin gets “pre-menstrual” during the selection process for the dudes, and Patti and Rachel snark on him.
- “We’ve never done this in the history of The Millionaire’s Club.” Meaning they are skipping the typical cocktail party part. I hate to be a skeptic, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen them do that before on this show, and I’ve only seen a handful of episodes.
- The mini-dates play out a mini-version of The Bachelor. Lots of “I love snowboarding” and “I’m just learning” talk.
- Just me or is a “Would you be willing to move to Texas?” super awkward and borderline creepy thing to ask on a pre-first date mini-date?
- Zagros’ imitation of The Godfather characters were downright horrid. To the lifeboats, women and children first!
- Greg’s jokes about bunnies and “cotton balls” were even worse: skip the lifeboats, everybody drown yourselves on the sound of the whistle!
- Greg doesn’t have “regrets, he has question marks” before his “master date” with Lyvia. That’s not a good sign. The next day he has a “spiritual epiphany” and says he needs “his Mojo, baby,” as in a girl named Mojo.
- Patti badgers Greg about wanting to cancel out on his original date, and then calls him a douche after he phones her. That’s the millionaire matchmaker difference in action.
- Everyone watching assistant Chelsea get botox injections… nice. Wait, no, disturbing.
- Martin, the boxing instructor on Zagros’ “active date,” is the most hilarious man that I’ve seen in a long, long time.
- Greg “doesn’t have time to keep teaching women how to ski.” Then he takes off on the slopes, leaving his date Mojo to wipe out at Mammoth. Greg is what we like to call a classic, old school charmer. Oh no, wait, he is a douche.
- Zagros and his date Susan start making out during the boxing session, with Martin looking on, waiting for the couple by the body bag. “So much for boxing,” Martin muses.
- Patti goes into excruciating detail about what monogamy means in terms of which specific places on the body are off limits and what is not to be done with those places.
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Greg and Zagros”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 3, Episode 12
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Livia Milano, Clay Adkins, Zagros Bigvand
This review was originally published on TV Geek Army.