Two middle-aged self-help gurus need Patti’s help stat.
Patti’s millionaires this week are both self-help professionals: hypnotherapist Steve G. Jones and motivational speaker Gary Coxe. Jones has been featured on The Millionaire Matchmaker before. Both gentlemen are middle aged and looking to finally put some of their attention towards their love lives.
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Patti is buddies with Steve, so she quickly gets to the root of his problems – which comes down to the damage done by his two prior divorces. The first marriage produced two adopted children but his wife moved onto a new man and asked that Steve relinquish parenting rights to him.
Steve agreed and hasn’t talked to his daughter in seven years. Afraid of getting hurt again, Steve has “dated down” – going after working class women that he knows have a shelf life in terms of commitment. Patti demands that Steve right the wrong with his daughter and find and contact her. She knows that until that situation has proper closure, Steve isn’t going to be able to move forward. But she decides to fix him up anyway to get him reoriented to spend time with smart, educated women that he needs to be “brave” enough to date.
On the other hand we have Gary, who wants a unicorn for a mate. He’s created a checklist of all the attributes he needs from a woman that reads like something out of the Donna Reed primer. Patti immediately pegs him as a narcissist and tells him frankly that he needs to treat the process more organically. She tells him he can have five non-negotiables that she will cater to as she finds women for a big mixer. He demands that his future wife be Christian, gorgeous, happy, domesticated and want kids (twin baby girls he spits out creepily).
Patti, Destin, and Rachel find a plethora of smart women for Steve but find the pickings harder when it comes to Gary and his excessive wish-list. They finally find enough candidates and at the mixer Steve seems to be doing well until a women asks if he has kids. Steve sputters about having once had adopted kids and tries to steer out of the conversation but it’s out there… oh, it’s out there. Meanwhile, Gary is right into his checklist asking questions of the women like he’s picking them for his ultimate dodge ball team. It’s obnoxious from the get-go but the women play along.
For their mini-dates, Steve picks Lynn the psychic and Sally the entrepreneur/education maven. Lynn intrigues Steve but he has a lot more in common with Sally and picks her for the long-form date.
Gary selects the pretty, God Squad Laschell and the, uh, voluptuous Jennifer, who initially came in conservative but whored it up at the mixer per Patti’s request. Gary immediately asks Jennifer what she has to offer a man, which is off-putting to say the least. Patti jumps in and tells him to can it with the pizza-ordering style questions and he calms down with Laschell. However, Jennifer (or her boobs) are just oozing with femininity and Gary must have her.
Steve and Sally meet up on the beach for a surfing lesson. The two get along swimmingly until dinner when Sally asks him about the kid comment at the mixer. Steve explains his situation but it’s red alert time for single mom Sally. She can’t fathom that he would have given up on his kids in any situation and Steve is taken aback. He explains it was a mistake but it essentially kills the evening.
Gary and Jennifer head out to the spa where Gary says he will be her spa tech and give her the pedicure and facial treatments. Can you say weird? Jennifer thinks as much and she’s relaxing as much as someone going to their beheading. She’s only allowed her space again once they are at dinner. Gary hands her a card with an original poem that includes odes to her beauty and her birthing loins for their potential twins. He asks for a second date and Jennifer says yes (gold digger anyone?).
Back at Patti’s, Steve explains where things went south with Sally and Patti tells him to see a woman four times before he tells his tale of woe. Sally and Steve do not date again. Gary does manage to get Jennifer to see him again, even though she doesn’t fit all his requirements. And here is where we roll our eyes.
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Helping the Self-Helpers”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 5, Episode 7
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Steve G. Jones, Gary Coxe
This review was originally published on TV Geek Army.