“I’m Emerald and I like to win!” – Emerald
Flipping through the channels, I have caught bits and pieces of TLC’s Toddlers & Tiaras and I’ve heard the show mentioned in conversations on several occasions. So when watching last night’s episode I thought I had a pretty good idea about what I was getting myself into. Now, after pinching my nose and forcing down a full dose of Toddlers & Tiaras, I think it’s safe to say there is nothing that can prepare a person for the T&T experience.
“Train” and “wreck” are words that I have often heard used to describe the show, which documents the trials and tribulations of very young beauty pageant contestants and their overbearing stage parents. While it’s hard to disagree with those descriptors, to simply call the show a train wreck is to ignore some of the nuance that makes Toddlers and Tiaras stand out from the reality TV crowd. Sure, the show is absolutely terrifying. But it’s also adorable and genuinely hilarious.
It’s a real challenge watching and especially writing about this show. These parents parade their daughters in front of a panel of pageant officials, as well as a television audience, to be judged. The problem is it isn’t really socially appropriate to “judge” three- and four-year old children. Because the parents (moms, generally) attempt to force these kids to behave like adults, you find yourself thinking about them as adults and judging them as such.
It’s just plain wrong to call a four-year old girl “the b-word” (unless you’re Louis C.K.), but I would be lying if I said I didn’t think it several times during the episode. The show turns you into a terrible person. Not in the Jerry Springer, end of civilization as we know it, “What the hell is going on with American culture?!” kind of way, but it makes you the kind of person who thinks really mean (yet really funny) things about little kids.
Kids this age are really too young to have a fully developed personality of their own, so what we are seeing and reacting to is actually just a reflection of the mom’s personality. Little Suzie isn’t being a raging bitch when she throws a temper tantrum because she doesn’t like the way her dress fits, she’s just being a kid. But because Mom has presented Little Suzie to the world as a miniature adult, we are forced to pass judgment in adult terms (“bitchy”) instead of children’s terms (“bratty”). It makes me very uncomfortable indeed.
“Glamorous Beauties” introduces us to three contestants (ages three and four) in the Glamorous Beauties Pageant held in Texas. For example, we have Emerald and her mom Chelsea, who are Quakers. Normally Quakers don’t condone competitive behavior, but Emerald loves pageants so much that Chelsea is willing to temporarily set aside her religious beliefs. Then there’s Beylan and her mom Beth. Beylan loves hunting and soccer, but doesn’t seem particularly interested in pageants. Fortunately (or I guess more accurately, unfortunately), Beth has enough pageant passion for both of them. Lastly, there’s Allison and her mom Kylene, who looks like a slightly less attractive version of Julie Bowen.
Allison is definitely the break-out star of “Glamorous Beauties.” She is absolutely hilarious in an unintentional, majorly awkward, and borderline racist kid of way. You see, Allison (who is as white as the day is long) loves-loves-loves African-Americans. Or, as she calls them, “brown people.” At four, Allison is too young to grasp the concept of race, but that doesn’t make her political incorrectness any less funny. Not only does Allison love Black people, she wants to be Black, and Kylene doesn’t do anything to discourage her daughter’s aspirations (and honestly, why should she?). Allison pleads with her mom to take her to a tanning salon “so [she] can get brooowwwwn like Beyonce.” When she meets a little Black girl at the pageant, she can barely contain her excitement. “You… look … so… cute,” she gushes. The other girl looks a little confused, yet flattered by the attention.
All of the girls are extremely adorable in real life, running around like grinning Tasmanian Devils. But the hair/make-up/wardrobe process they undertake prior to the pageant turns them into little monsters. They no longer look human; instead they resemble porcelain dolls possessed by Satan. Emerald doesn’t seem quite comfortable with the transformation either. “My hairpiece was someone else’s hair. Then they took it off and now it’s my hair,” she says in reference to her wig. She actually seems kind of scared about the idea of wearing another person’s hair on her head. Allison isn’t a fan of the make-up chair and she goes absolutely ballistic when the fake eyelashes are glued onto her head.
For girls this young, the Glamorous Beauties contest is less like a beauty pageant and more like the Westminster Dog Show. Flawless looks are less important than being able to obey simple commands and refraining from chasing after shiny objects or going to the bathroom on stage.
Allison and Emerald are seasoned pros who hit all of their marks. Beylan, on the other hand, is a complete disaster. Utterly terrified when she steps on stage, she curls up into a ball, bringing her arms tight to her chest. Beth tries to drag her daughter into the middle of the stage, but Beylan locks her knees and refuses to budge. When it comes time for the talent portion of the contest, Beylan dons a pair of boxing gloves. But instead of going into the “Rocky routine” she has been practicing, she opts to stand perfectly still, mean-mugging the confused family in the front row. It’s really bizarre. I want to feel bad for her, but Beylan is such a little pain in the ass, it’s hard to. Believe me, I feel awful for saying that. But like I said before, Toddlers and Tiaras is a show that turns you into a terrible human being.
Despite her pathetic showing, Baylen still manages to take home a runner-up prize. Allison also wins one of the lesser awards, and she couldn’t be happier. “I don’t think Allison understands what title she got,” Mom says, unable to mask her disappointment. Emerald walks away with the “Grand Supreme” title, which is the highest award given at Glamorous Beauties. She also gets a bunch of really useful prizes: like a $500 savings bond, a diamond encrusted tiara and a voucher good for 25 years of free psychotherapy. Okay, okay, I might have made one of those prizes up — she doesn’t really get a savings bond.
Some stats and info about Toddlers & Tiaras, ” Glamorous Beauties”
TV SHOW – Toddlers & Tiaras
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 4, Episode 8
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – TLC
GENRE – Reality TV, Trashtastic TV, Docuseries
This review was originally published on TV Geek Army.