“How LA cliché can you get?” – Patti
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Smike & Rupert”: around the office
We learn at the jump that because Patti is so impossibly busy with her matchmaking and such, she has no time to plan her own wedding with Andy. Therefore, she uses the same interrogation-meets-interview process to vet wedding planners. And of course she has trusty office staffers Rachel and Destin with her as her loyal sidekicks.
Check out our full and snark-tastic Millionaire Matchmaker episode guide and updates! Trash and treasure in equal increments, we promise.
Several are booted out quickly for various reasons, including one that had an outfit on that Patti didn’t like. Finally, Kristin Banta is selected. Not only does Patti like her outfit, but Kristin brought her a gift of a silver fortune cookie, and as a bonus been featured in In Style magazine.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Smike & Rupert”: the clients and intro videos
Destin lets Patti know that Rupert Wainwright, a 47-year-old Brit and “a big-time, megahit Hollywood director,” is up for some matchmaking. His credits include the creepy horror movie Stigmata, The Fog, and the music video for M.C. Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This.” Quite a range.
Destin adds that “he’s a little bit of an ageist, a little bit of snob.” And to be fair, this 47-year-old goes on to claim in his intro video that he “gets on better with 23-year-olds” than… people who are not an age that that could be his child.
Patti immediately is not happy: “If they know everything, then why are they single?” She adds, “Grow up and date someone your own age.”
Rachel thinks that Rupert looks like Colonel Mustard, which everyone thinks is funny. Which is maybe a somewhat obscure reference to Clue the movie, or boardgame?
Then we have the first gay person of the season looking for love: Smike Wallen, 41, billed as someone who is decent looking and likes to travel. The gang also thinks he’s really nice… which Patti and the gang seem truly bummed about as they can’t figure out any angle to shred him apart.
I’m also a little surprised that no one touched how unusual a name like Smike is.
Patti’s take on things is that this dude travels too much and needs to settle down and grow some roots with someone. She also feels that he wants the “chupacabra of the gay world.” Which is like the total package, I guess.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Smike & Rupert”: Patti meets the clients
Patti heads down to Marina Del Rey to meet up with Smike. We learn on route that Smike works in construction and real estate, and has a house that he paid $800,000 for, but then flipped it for roughly twice that a few years later. He then got heavy into house flipping, and now is worth around $2.5 million. But he chooses to live in a modest apartment because he’s so into travel.
Smike also says he’s done with the vapid dating game and is ready for something more serious.
Patti says that Smike needs to not travel so much so that he can settle down, but he insists that he can “manifest” someone who likes to travel as much as he does. Patti feels that Smike is “metaphysical” and wants to hook him up with an astrologer. Smike is amped about this.
Over at Rupert’s, he says that he wants to marry someone who will stay 29-years-old forever. His last girlfriend was “almost 25,” he tells Patti. If you have to get into the “almost” part when you’re an adult talking about the person you’re dating… need I go on?
“How LA cliché can you get?” Patti says in confessional interview, and then does the gagging motion. She also insists that Rupert is trying to “fool her” with his elegant British accent. And then she throws in a “Not!”
Rupert is looking for the Grace Kelly-type, which reminds me immediately of Betty Draper’s sad and wonderful storyline in Mad Men Season 1’s “The Shoot.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Smike & Rupert”: life coach session (Smike edition)
Patti takes Smike to see Dr. Craig, an astrologer*. Patti thinks understanding one’s universal energy is important for finding a partner. Or some such.
* I’m not even going to attempt to figure out what a doctorate in astrology means to us on this material plane.
Dr. Craig says something about Gemini rising is for when “you get bored, then you just toss them out.” Venus was in the 10th or 11th house, Sagittarius might be perfect for him… but honestly I had a hard time following. Smike had a hard time following as well, for what it’s worth.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Smike & Rupert”: the recruiting session (Smike edition)
Patti explains that she’s recruiting both for Smike’s metaphysical love-to-be and her new “gay division” of the Millionaire’s Club. Patti’s on the hunt for “tall, dark, and handsome, but also spiritual” for Smike.
The gang goes through a bunch of potentials, including Topher, a retail manager and self-described “bear.” We learn that bears are “kind of hairy,” and that a cub is a younger bear. There are also “muscle bears.”
Patti may have met her match in Mauricio, a stylist. Mauricio is pretty combative, which of course lights up Patti straight off. She declares that he’s all wrong for Smike, and that her clients won’t be paying $50,000 when “the penis would not get off the couch.”
Patti then calls a trans person named Detox a label that would get her canceled in 2023. Detox is more interested in Destin, and asks him if needs a “chubby check.”
In the end, Patti and team are most impressed with David, a retail manager (and a Virgo), and Chad, a Gemini who, Patti tells him, “If you can play your cards right you can be a kept man.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Smike & Rupert”: the mixer
Instead of doing a recruiting session, for some reason the gang goes back to the office to review head shots of women for Rupert. They settle on several, including Olya, “a perfect 10,” who is educated and has a green card.
Patti relays that she’s looking for skinny, educated, and worldly women, so eastern Europe is the perfect background for that. 90 Day Fiancé crossover episode, anyone?
Kiarra, a 44-year-old that Patti wants to test Rupert with, and Petra (worldly, funny) are also in the mix.
We’re then whisked off to a club called h.wood in Hollywood, where Patti explains that instead of the typical mixer, each client will have five pre-selected mini-dates in order to help narrow down for the final round a.k.a. The Big Date.
Jared, who almost landed a date in a previous episode, is brought in as a potential match for Smike.
The mini-date round flashes by lightning fast as we see both gents meet with five different people each.
Rupert ends up hitting it off most with Petra, a German caterer, and Olya, a Pilates trainer from Ukraine. He’s also pretty name drop-y and stuff, but then again his world revolves around directing in LA. Oksana, a jewelry designer, is also from Ukraine, which prompts Rupert to talk about Russian directors who he admires. I only mention this as that conversation would come off strikingly different in the 2020s versus 2010.
Rupert selects the 29-year-old Olya for his date after a drawn out sequence where he can’t make up his mind. Patti has a mini-meltdown about his indecision, but then praises him for making “baby steps” in moving his age range up to the late 20s in a dating partner.
Smike is into Jared and Chad, and ends up selecting the latter. Patti and gang are thrilled with the decision, with Patti noting that Chad is “good looking, intelligent, loves to travel,” a potentially perfect match for Smike.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Smike & Rupert”: Smike & Chad’s first date
Chad is invited down to the Terranea Resort and Spa in Rancho Palos Verdes, one of Smike’s favorite places. The view there – at the southern end of LA’s south bay – looks pretty spectacular.
They take a hike down to the bluffs, and talk about nature and spirituality.
“Handsome gay guy who is into nature and cares about the environment,” Smike notes, happily.
They then enjoy some white wine on the beach and get back into the astrology talk. Smike seems pretty thrilled, and Chad looks happy as well.
They then hit the spa, get a couple’s massage, and look like they’re having a fabulous time. They follow up with champagne while sitting on some rocks overlooking the ocean, and get their first kiss going.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Smike & Rupert”: Rupert & Olya’s first date
Rupert rolls down to Olya’s place in a huge stretch limo, with a bunch of red roses in tow. Rupert is smitten, noting that she is “beautiful, rapturous, ravaging.”
They head off on an “adventure”… and end up at the Los Angeles Mission to help serve food “to the graduating class” who have lived at the mission for a year. Olya seems surprisingly relaxed and adept with rolling with Rupert kind of blindsiding her with doing charity work on their first date, frankly (not that it’s not a worthy activity).
She does note in a confessional, however: “I think he was trying to impress me but it’s definitely not the way to treat a lady on the first date… You can maybe do that on the third or fourth.” I concur with Olya here on the real. She also rightfully noted how weird it was to arrive and leave the mission in a fancy limo.
At dinner, things seem to go a bit better, though Olya feels that Rupert doesn’t listen very well. He also kind of creepily “directs” her through taking bites of food.
Rupert talks about how he used to play rugby, among many other topics where he dominates the conversation. I only note the rugby part because as a former rugby player myself I have to give him a few points there. But… Rupert’s not looking to date me and vice versa.
Olya, who seems super level-headed and poised, also rightfully notes that Rupert seems to be “all about himself.” As a Ukrainian, she is very “not LA” in that regard, whereas Rupert is very LA in that regard*.
* Again, as someone who lived in greater LA for many years, I feel well qualified to make this remark.
Rupert, on the other hand, seems to have the time of his life.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Smike & Rupert”: post-dates upshot
Smike reports to Patti that he had a fabulous time and that the next date with Chad is already on the books. While Chad is heading off to Australia soon, Patti insists that the following trip should be with “the person that you’re with.”
Side note that Patti was by far the mellowest we’ve seen her in a while in this episode.
Patti then checks in with Olya, and then meets with Rupert. Patti’s pissed off that Rupert “would not let her talk” and took her to a mission in a limousine. Rupert pushes back, saying she’s not being fair. He thinks things went just fine, and then kind of abruptly got up and left.
I’ve noticed that the show’s editing at the end of episodes can get pretty strange sometimes on TMM, and this is one of those times.
The end of episode title sequence tells us: “Smike kept the lines of communication open with Chad during his month in Australia. They are still seeing each other.” And then (surprisingly): “Olya and Rupert went out again,” and (not surprisingly)… “but Olya is now not returning his calls.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Smike & Rupert”: where are they now?
Via TheCinemaholic, both Smike & Rupert are doing well business-wise as of late 2023, but not much is known about either’s relationship status.
It’s noted that Rupert’s work is focused on a content agency that he founded called Adore Creative. In looking at his IMDB credits, I saw that his feature film directing work ends circa 2005 (around five years before this episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker aired).
Wainwright directed The Fog, a “horror mystery,” which was released in 2005 and earned $21.3 million at the box office via Wikipedia, and has a paltry 4% score with critics on Rotten Tomatoes (the “audience score” is not much better at 19%).
Matt Singer of ScreenCrush sums up the consensus pretty well: “In a world where John Carpenter’s The Fog still exists, I cannot think of a single valid reason to watch this.”
I’m thinking that The Fog’s reception may have… obscured Rupert’s directorial career path, I’m afraid.
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Smike & Rupert”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 3, Episode 4
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
AIR DATE – February 9th, 2010
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Rupert Wainwright, Smike Wallen
NETFLIX DESCRIPTION – Patti has her work cut out for her when she takes on an attractive businessperson and a picky film director – both of whom are difficult customers.