“Oy vey.” – Patti
The episode opens with a Patti wedding planning update, people! She tells Kristen the wedding planner that she wants to “funk-ify” her wedding with Andy.
Check out our full and snark-tastic Millionaire Matchmaker episode guide and updates! Trash and treasure in equal increments, we promise.
“It’s my time,” she also proclaims.
Patti Stanger has spoken.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jimmy D & Mateo”: the clients and intro videos
Jimmi D is on deck, and he’s a return client. The gang immediately segues into (not good) Italian American-meets-gangsters from movies style accents as soon as “Jimmi D” is uttered: hey, yo, ay! No fagettaboutits were uttered, but you know you they were all thinking it.
Meanwhile, we see a clip of Jimmy from a pervious episode and… let’s face it, we warrants a little ribbing, if only for letting the following leave his lips: “I’m sick of these women using me for sex. Jimmy’s a real fun guy but I can’t have them prostituting me out like that.”
I have a special place in my (dark, comedy loving) heart for people who refer to themselves in the third person. And, also, let’s face it: it looks like his whole style and attire is Off-Brand Scarface.
Patti laments that Jimmy D is too much of a “party boy” and drinks too much… but of course she’s willing to bend her rules about her clients being serious about marriage if the checks clear.
Chelsea notes that Jimmy D is 32, lives in Las Vegas now, which… you know, who knows, maybe he’s way more mature now. She also says that he’s now “calm” because he recently got in a fight and “got his head bashed in really bad.”
Cut to Jimmi D arriving at the office with two enormous bodyguards in tow.
We learn that Jimmy D is the CEO of something called The Armor Group. He tells us that he started in nightclubs and restaurants and now he’s “taking over the world.” He’s from Chicago (see: the accent) but now is taking over the world out in Vegas.
Jimmy D tells Patti that he’s looking for a more substantive woman at this new plateau in his life. Patti replies that she will find a “fine wine” for him, which seems to mean a real person “with a real job.”
I’m slightly shocked that Patti refrained from using the word “penis” during this entire segment.
Meanwhile, Mateo Stasior could not be more different than Jimmy D. He’s 43 but looks… let’s just say like a very mature 43. He’s a self-described Christian from Newport Beach, California who runs a billion dollar “distressed real estate hedge fund.”
Distressed, huh? Like The Big Short distressed, me thinks. Nice.
Patti immediately jumps in, laughing, and says that Mateo looks like “that guy from The Sopranos,” and the gang agrees. Now, I’m not just a fan of The Sopranos. I’m a super fan. I also named it as the number one TV show on my Best 100 TV Shows Ever list.
And I have no idea who Patti is talking about. Like I’d say Bobby Bacala maybe but if that’s it, he looks nothing like my guy Steve Schirripa.
Mateo also became a “Microsoft millionaire very early on” (and dropped a Bill Gates name check) before which he went to Harvard, graduating with a magna cum laude in economics.
Mateo is absolutely crushing his intro video… if he was applying to be The Millionaire’s Club CFO, but unfortunately he’s seeking a woman to marry. A religious woman is a must for him. Also important: no diseases. Patti goes easy on Mateo as well – she’s super mellow in this episode thus far.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jimmy D & Mateo”: Patti meets the clients (Mateo edition)
Patti meets Mateo at a restaurant. Her assessment is that he is being too rigid about his standards, which may be driven by Mateo busting out a notebook with a bunch of bullet points and diagrams and stuff. He also gets very uncomfortable when the topic of sex comes up… it’s clear that Patti and Mateo are never gonna be besties at this rate.
We also get our first penis reference of the episode from Patti, there we go!
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jimmy D & Mateo”: life coach visit (Jimmy D edition)
Patti hooks Jimmy D up with Dr. Pat Allen. She’s described as Patti’s mentor and someone who can help Jimmy D to become his best version of Jimmy D, or some such.
She describes Jimmy D as a “fox in a chicken coup.” But when he gorges on the chickens, he loses his taste for the chickens. I wish I was making this up but I’m not making this up.
She also says: “I don’t want you to put your penis in her mouth, her anus, or her vagina.” This woman is definitely Patti’s mentor, no denying that. Patti follows this up with, “Three holes,” for emphasis, I guess.
Patti then moves from the farm to the autobody shop and advises Jimmy D to find out what’s under the hood of the car before he buys it. Again, I wish I was making this up but I’m not making this up.
Jimmy D relays that Jimmy D is going to try his best.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jimmy D & Mateo”: the recruiting session
Patti’s on the hunt for a sweet, nurturing girl with substance for Jimmy D and a good Christian woman for Mateo.
Patti sorts through a bunch of interview sessions, calls one woman “a tranny mess,” and asks another named Angel if she’s done porn and then follows up with, “Are you a hooker?” Typical recruiting session, in another words. Even though Patti thinks that Angel wears too much eye shadow looks like she “drinks too much,” she’s going to bring her to the mixer as a “test” for Jimmy D.
There’s more luck on the Mateo side of the house, including Jessica, a very petite woman with an “angelic Christian spirt” who works at Disney.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jimmy D & Mateo”: the mixer
Jimmy D and Mateo meet at the mixer, and Jimmy thinks his new acquaintance looks like Costanza from Seinfeld. Again, no idea what’s going on with that, but we’re doing a tour of classic TV shows.
We also find out at some point that Jimmy D actually stands for Jimmy D’Ambrosio.
Whitney also shows up to the mixer, and she’s another previous participant on The Millionaire Matchmaker. Patti’s hopeful that she will hit it off with Jimmy D.
Mateo hits it off with Andrea Kaplan, who crashed the mixer and happens to be Jewish. And then his heart goes “pitter patter” for Amber, a “technical dancer” who relays that she used to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader after Mateo told a group that he’s a Cowboys fan. At the recruiting session, Patti says of her, “She has a body to beat the band.” Or cheerleading squad, as it were.
When it comes time to select two women for mini-dates, Patti recommends Angie and “sultry brunette” Whitney for Jimmy D. However, Jimmy D reverts to form, ignores all of Dr. Allen’s barnyard wisdom, and goes with Angel and Jacquelyn. He fails Patti’s test in other words. “Vegas is still in the house.”
Mateo selects Amber and “off the menu” Andrea. He’s gone “rogue,” Patti assesses. Even when Patti drops on him that Andrea is Jewish, Mateo is surprisingly (or not?) undeterred. On his mini-dates, he expresses the importance of his faith to Andrea, but the more interesting part is when Amber drops on him that she feels that religion is just a lot of “made up stories to control the masses… Just to kind of keep everyone in a box.” However, she’s more “spiritual.”
Jimmy D finds out that Jacquelyn isn’t strong willed enough for his tastes. Angel is a Cubs fan, as is Jimmy D, which earns “big points.”
“Not shockingly,” Jimmy D selects Angel, “the bimbo with no brains,” so says Patti. So he’s a failure with Patti, but maybe a winner in life… pending The Big Date. Mateo locks in on Andrea, and Patti warns him that he might get burned. No word on whether she was implying that the burning would be via biblical fire.
Patti’s take on the mixer: oy vey.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jimmy D & Mateo”: Jimmy D and Angel’s first date
Jimmy D brings Angel all the way to Las Vegas for the date, which she is amped about. They head to a casino and Jimmy introduces her to professional poker players, and they sit in for a “high stakes game.”
Jimmy D is immediately concerned that Angel “smells like alcohol,” but he tries to roll with it. Somehow, the couple wins a $100,000 hand, and then they bail out to get ready for dinner.
Angel then goes MIA and Jimmy D gets impatient while waiting for her downstairs. He finally confronts her at her room, and she claims her phone died, she got sick after eating a steak, and thought that dinner would be “late in Vegas.”
She then sees that as the ideal opportunity to ask Jimmy D for some of their poker winnings. He asks her if he thinks she’s entitled to that, and then essentially does a do I look like an ATM routine. So it looks like the answer is no, Angel. “My name’s Jimmy, not Cash Station,” he adds.
In short, he cuts her loose.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jimmy D & Mateo”: Mateo & Andrea’s first date
Meanwhile, Mateo has a limo take Andrea down to meet him at Los Alamitos racetrack in Cypress, California so the gambling theme persists in this episode. The couple has champagne, and Mateo laughs himself silly when his horse comes in. And that’s good timing for him to grab a little kiss.
They then have dinner at The Vessels Club, and Mateo expresses how much he likes her energy, and then they get back to the religious talk. Andrea says she’s Jewish and is never going to convert, and he says he deeply believes in the teachings of Jesus Christ. So… seems like not a great match then, especially when the topic of kids comes up.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jimmy D & Mateo”: post-dates upshot
Jimmy D calls Patti to tell her what happened, and of course she drops an “I told you so” on him immediately, and follows up that she really wished that he would have selected Whitney for his date.
So, smash cut to Jimmy D meeting the (conveniently) Vegas-based Whitney for a drink at 10pm. The switcheroo is on, people!
Whitney knows “of” Jimmy D, who seems to be a Man About Town, what with his big personality and gambling and such. They have a conversation that’s clearly on a much different level than Jimmy and Angel, and she says that she’s open to seeing if there’s something there between them.
Back at the office, Patti calls Andrea, who quickly relays that things are a big time no go with Mateo because of the religious issue.
“Back to the drawing board,” Patti says.
So, it’s not quite 0-2 for Patti this week, more like 0-1-1, witch the prospect for Whitney and Jimmy D to move over to the winning column.
The end of episode captions tell us, “Andrea and Mateo remain friends. They avoid any talk of religion.” And: “Jimmy and Whitney are taking it slow. They have seen each other out in Las Vegas.”
Oh, and also: “No one ever heard from Angel again.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jimmy D & Mateo”: where are they now?
Jimmy D has a blog called, appropriately, Jimmy D’ambrosio’s Blog. There are zero posts, but there is an About page where we learn some interesting things, such as:
- Jimmy’s a pro poker player, and placed 175th out of 8,773 players at the 2006 World Series of Poker.
- His sister Nicole was on The Apprentice L.A., where “Donald Trump was frequently commenting on Nicole’s business acumen.” I have no memory of there being a branded “L.A.” version of The Apprentice, but then again 2007 was deep in the Before Times with regard all things Trumpian.
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Jimmy D & Mateo”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 3, Episode 6
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
AIR DATE – March 2nd, 2010
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Jimmy Jimmy D’Ambrosio, Mateo Stasior
NETFLIX DESCRIPTION – A computer exec irritates Patti when he reveals what he’s looking for in a partner, while a wild partier is ready to settle down.