“The Gruber chastity belt, it’s made of like a titanium alloy.” – Bryce Gruber
Patti Stanger meets up with Millionaire’s Club staffers Destin and Rachel at Yamashiro restaurant, located in the Hollywood Hills Hotel, to “check in.” This is a heavy handed and scripted scene for the purpose of setting up that The Millionaire Matchmaker is moving its wacky matchmaking action from LA to New York City for its fourth season.
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“God knows the daters need my help here,” Patti says of returning to her old “stomping grounds” of Manhattan. She also claims that the ratio of eligible women to men is “five to one” which… sounds suspicious to me, and is certainly not backed up with any kind of data.
“The real New York makes Sex in the City look like a fricking cakewalk,” Patti continues.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Welcome to the Big Apple”: the clients and intro videos
A huge bombshell is dropped as Patti arrives at the new Millionaire’s Club office in NYC: Chelsea, the VP of… something is no longer with the company. We’re also introduced to Andreea the intern, who has two “ee”’s in her name.
The first client introduced is Derek Tabacco, “the epitome of New York,” Destin* tells us.
* Destin’s trademark spiked hair and goth-meets-funeral director vibe is still very much in place this season, so no worries there.
As soon as Derek starts talking in his intro video, Patti blurts out, “so guido…” and as a native New Yorker myself, she’s not wrong. He also says that he’s a “partner” in four different websites, which is a strange term that I’ve never heard before relative to digital products or websites. Oh, and he’s into real estate as well.
He’s also a “die hard” Yankees and Jets fan, which is slightly odd, though not unheard of: Yankees and New York Giants tend to go together, sports fan-wise, while Jets go with the Mets… but as they say in the movie Airplane, that’s not important right now.
He’s looking for “hot,” and then gets into the boobs and butt type he’s looking for in his ladies, and Patti quickly assesses: “douchebag city.”
We’re then introduced to Bryce Gruber, who Destin describes as “Charlotte from Sex in the City.” This group certainly seems to view New York through a Sex in the City prism. They go on to call Bryce “prissy*” and note that she’s the heir to the Dannon Yogurt fortune.
* We here at Pop Thruster are Charlotte from Sex in the City stans so we’re not feeling this kind of character assassination, thank you very much.
Bryce, for her part, introduces herself in her video as the owner of The Luxury Spot, a digital lifestyle thing for women. And she says that her “son’s father” is 25 years older than her, and then does a sharp turn into talking about how she’s both “celibate” and “doesn’t put out” these days. “The Gruber chastity belt, it’s made of like a titanium alloy,” she says.
Bryce is anti-Ed Hardy, anti-tanning beds, and anti-the New York City borough of Staten Island. Patti feels she is stuck up. And Bryce wants a taller and more Jewish George Clooney.
“A spoiled millionaire can be almost impossible to please,” so says Patti.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Welcome to the Big Apple”: Patti meets the clients
Deshawne the driver whisks Patti across town to meet first with Derek.
On route we learn that Derek is 40 years old and grew up in Staten Island, so seems like he’d be a hard no for Byrce. He also has a “pleasure mobile” that’s like a large van he uses to take him and his brothers around the city. He likes women with “nice asses,” but admits he’s attracted to women who aren’t good for him.
Patti gets weirdly combative with Derek from jump street, kind of berating him with “you close the penis off, you put it back into the zipper pocket, and you get the f— out of Dodge” over “dealbreakers” with regard to relationships with women… but honestly it was kind of hard to tell. Then Derek tried to say something – he’s no wallflower, as the kids say – and Patti shuts him down with, “You suck, you suck, you suck.”
Queue up the Jim Carey all righty then meme.
She then calms down a little and says, “Let the professor go to class.”
Patti meets Bryce Gruber at a delicatessen, and we learn that she’s 26-years-old, and that she has a young son. We also learn that she likes older men because she finds men her age immature. Patti is concerned that she’s looking for perfection, appearance-wise. In fact, when Patti uses the term “good looking,” Bryce corrects her: “perfect looking.” She’s also looking for a Jewish guy with a great sense of humor.
Patti’s advice for Bryce: “Lighten up.” And then she says in a confessional, “Oh vey, Toto, we’re not in LA anymore.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Welcome to the Big Apple”: the recruiting session
The recruiting session is for Derek and Bryce, but it’s also to enhance the “database” of Millionaire’s Club (or whatever they’re called) for the Club’s rich clientele in New York City. This allows us to see a longer if not wackier montage of Patti, Destin, and Rachel snarking and suffering through a bunch of recruiting interviews.
Not much of interest happened in seeking someone for Derek, save for Kristen, who has a masters in philanthropy. Patti deems her “beauty, brains, and class,” though notes that “she’s an 8, not a 10… but she can become a 10.”
On the men’s side, there was an assortment of New York City “eccentrics,” including a comedian and professional wrestler who actually referenced “the situation” going on with his abs. Patti luckily called out that Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from Jersey Shore already has that whole… situation covered.
There was also one strange moment where a super old guy – we’re talking mid-70s at least – shows up for reasons that remain unclear. His first name is Eladio, so of course immediately that got me to thinking about the iconic Don Eladio character from Breaking Bad. Patti blamed new intern Andreea for bringing him in, and tells her, “I will go tirade on you” if it happens again.
There was no update on how Eladio was doing with dealing with the cartel and the Chicken Man, however.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Welcome to the Big Apple”: the mixer
Patti checks in with Derek, and asks him for his five “non-negotiables” in finding a romantic partner. Derek rattles off: kids, good family, friends, spontaneous, and “hot.” Patti asks him to switch out “hot” for something else, and Derek goes with honest. Patti seems pleased with this and hopes he can stick to the game plan.
Derek made me laugh in meeting Bryce for the first time. In a confessional he says, “The first thing I thought is, ‘Holy cow, what a head of hair!’” Then, in seeing all of the women at the mixer for the first time: “Holy cow! I am a lucky man.”
It occurs to me that this guy is a huge Yankees fan, so he may have had Phil Rizzuto’s favorite catch phrase burned into his brain while growing up.
Meanwhile, Bryce says that she is “ambivalent” about the men, which seems on brand from what we’ve seen so far.
Derek seems to be one of the more personable and non-self centered participants of any Millionaire’s Club mixer that I’ve seen. Meanwhile, Patti is dead on in her assessment that Bryce is “stuck up.” In fact, she’s downright dismissive of the guys who all seem to be making a well intentioned attempt to get to know her a little bit.
When Bryce tells Patti that she’s not “feeling” any of the guys, Patti flatly orders her to “go home.” Patti explains that she “had tall, Jewish hottie-patotties for Bryce,” and is exasperated at her level of interest. She further explains that New York is “the land of the Jewish midgets.” Which… sure, I guess?
Finally, Patti ends up picking two men for Bryce, which is a first in all of TMM episodes I’ve seen thus far. She picks Simon, the professional stand up comic, and Keith, the high school chemistry teacher who looks a lot like a young Paulo Costanzo.
And meanwhile, Derek selects Colby, who Patti thinks is too young for him, and Kristen, the star of the recruiting session.
In the mini-date round, Keith could not be nicer or more endearing with Bryce, yet things could not have gone worse overall. “I felt like I got hit by a bus when I got out of there,” he said afterwards, which nails it with an Empire State Building-sized hammer. Meanwhile, Simon the comedian tries going the comedy route… and he hits just the right level of funny/cute for this kind of conversation, but it’s a road to nowhere. Later he says, “My assumption is her family dinners are very quiet.” Now that’s funny!
Bryce grudgingly agrees to go on The Big Date with Keith, and it’s a little shocking that she accepted anyone. Derek and Kristen meanwhile seem to have genuine chemistry, but he’s more drawn to pretty, young Colby. Patti assesses, “She ain’t the marrying kind.”
Meanwhile, we’re shown other footage where Bryce is “caught” trying to flirt with Andreea, which Patti wasn’t having for a second.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Welcome to the Big Apple”: Derek and Colby’s first date
Derek picks up Colby (in the “pleasure mobile,” I guess?) and says that she looks “like a banger, whoa, smokin’ hot, tight jeans.”
Derek busts out the mozzarella in the van, which Colby is excited about, and I’m realizing that this season of TMM is very unlike the typical LA-based edition. They head to Stan’s sports bar, a dive, outside of Yankee Stadium in The Bronx, and to Colby’s credit she seems to enjoy the non-fancy vibe. They then head to the game – though the cameras don’t show any of this – and we’re told the Yanks won 9-3.
They head back into Manhattan to change and head to dinner. Colby is entranced at this point at Derek’s wining and dining (“I like alcohol and cheese… and Derek,” she says) and especially the fancy hotel room and multiple gifts he arranged for her as well.
They have dinner at a rooftop restaurant, and the conversation gets a little deeper, talking about relationships and such. Derek recognizes their age difference though (15 years) as well as the fact that this is a very familiar and typical pattern for him.
Colby seems to get a little drunk by the end of dinner, and Derek decides to call it a night.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Welcome to the Big Apple”: Bryce and Keith’s first date
Keith meets up with Bryce, and says he has a surprise for her in Central Park, which turns out to be a rowboat ride out on what’s called, appropriately, The Lake.
Bryce mentions in a confessional that she’s very reserved and it takes her time to warm up to “anyone,” and this does more to humanize her than anything else we’ve seen. Keith seems like the perfect person to get her to open up, if anyone can, as he pleasantly and easily carries the conversation, talking about his hobbies and interests, punctuated with questions for her.
They later head to the New York Public Library, and I’m impressed with Keith taking in some of NYC’s most famous landmarks for this first date. They have a private dinner at the McGraw Rotunda, which is a pretty wildly exclusive thing for anyone to get to do, frankly.
Keith prompts Bryce to talk about the writing that she does for The Luxury Spot, and she explains that she writes about fashion, relationships, and sex advice. Keith jokes around that he’s “good at sex,” which Bryce takes umbrage with.
“Dinner was a fruitless effort,” Bryce says.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Welcome to the Big Apple”: post-dates upshot
Patti calls Keith, who delivers a very high level version of what happened on his date, and unbelievably Patti and Destin reference Sex and the City yet again. Nearly unbelievably: Keith expresses interest in seeing Bryce again.
At the office, Bryce immediately declares that she thinks that Keith is “a little immature… he just wasn’t right for me.”
Destin says they’ll set her up on another date, but that she “has to open up more.”
Derek then heads down to the office, and after talking about what happened, Patti assesses that while Derek made a mistake in picking Colby, he knows that he did.
“Admitting you have a problem is the first step in bimbo recovery,” she concludes.
Which… not a great way to talk about Colby, who is merely guilty of being “young” and “hot” by their standards.
Derek says that he’s “ready” to try a date with Kristen next, which Patti and Destin seem to think is a great victory.
Yet in the end of episode captions, we get this: “Derek never took Patti up on her offer for a date with Kristin. He is still searching for a girl who meets all of his non-negotiables.” And: “Bryce never Keith another chance. She is still searching for perfection.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Welcome to the Big Apple”: where are they now?
Bryce got married to an Israeli man Yosef Hermon in 2012, via this article, and that they now have five(!) kids all told.
And indeed, Bryce’s social media feeds are focused on supporting Israel as of this writing in 2023.
Speaking of social media feeds, Derek Tabacco states in his Twitter/X profile bio that he was on “Mobwives” in addition to TMM, and has also appeared on Fox News and national TV commercials (“Dunkin’ all day!). And his LinkedIn bio states that he is a “securities lending, blockchain consultant.”
“Crypto bro” would not be inaccurate here, in other words.
Also, there’s a fun New York Post piece from 2014 that says that Derek got to lead the “J-E-T-S cheer when Gang Green tackles the Raiders on Opening Day.”
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Welcome to the Big Apple”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 4, Episode 1
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
AIR DATE – October 19th, 2010
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Derek Tabacco, Bryce Gruber
NETFLIX DESCRIPTION – A celibate heir with very high standards turns to Patti for help finding the love her life, while a diehard sports fan looks for the perfect match.