“No offense, if she’s a Pilates instructor, did she eat the entire class?” – Patti
Without preamble in this edition of The Millionaire Matchmaker, Caroline Manzo visits The Millionaire’s Club in their New York City office.
Check out our full and snark-tastic Millionaire Matchmaker episode guide and updates! Trash and treasure in equal increments, we promise.
Patti notes that Caroline “has a reputation for kicking ass,” and then we’re reminded that Manzo is a cast member from The Real Housewives of New Jersey. We then see a clip from the show where Caroline says, “When I called you garbage, I meant that you were garbage.”
Patti and Caroline bond over their Jersey and Queens roots, and then Caroline asks Patti to leverage her matchmaking services for her sons, Albie and Chris.
In a confessional, Patti talks about how she’s excited about her assignment, but notes that she’s nervous because she “knows how the Italians get there.” We then hear some traditional Italian music, and I do believe it’s meant to imply, at least satirically, that there could be a mob-style whacking if Patti’s matchmaking work doesn’t pan out as hoped.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jersey in the House”: the clients & intro videos
Destin queues up the intro video for Albie, and Rachel notes that he’s an overachiever and “very cute, very kind of Prince Charming.” And then Destin says, “He feels like he’s a magnet for fame whores.”
That sounds like textbook Prince Charming talk to me!
Albie introduces himself in the video as being 24-years-old and working at something called The Brownstone in New Jersey. He gets into how it’s difficult being the child of a celebrity when it comes to meeting the right kind of woman, and Patti immediately segues into something about being careful about your penis going limp.
Basically, an episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker doesn’t truly get started until Patti gets into some Penis Talk.
Anyway, Albie is looking for a nice, family-oriented girl – no dancing on the bar types for him at this stage of his life.
Chris is the youngest client the Club has ever had at 21-years-old. He works a crazy schedule, and doesn’t have time to find a girlfriend. He also like “short girls,” and the Taylor Swift type appeals to him. Patti goes against her normal mode and suggests “dates” for Chris versus “a relationship.” It’ll be the “training program” for young Chris then.
* And let’s face it, a large majority of setups that we see on TMM end up being “dates” anyway, right?
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jersey in the House”: Patti meets the clients
Patti heads off to meet the Manzo brothers with Deshawne driving her over to New Jersey.
“Let me tell you something: New York’s got nothing on Jersey,” Patti notes*.
* Editor’s note: this native New Yorker fact checked this and found Patti to be deeply incorrect.
Patti gets over to the Manzo residence, where Caroline, Albie, and Chris are hanging out in the kitchen, near one of the largest kitchen islands I’ve ever seen.
Albie tells us that he went to Fordham and now is the marketing manager for “several of my family’s businesses, including The Brownstone.” He wants to ensure that the woman he likes gets along with his family. He comes across as a genuine, good dude – way above average on that score for many of the clients Patti has worked with on TMM.
And meanwhile we learn that Chris is a banquet manager at The Brownstone, so the Manzo bros get to bro out at work, it seems. He’s looking for a girl who likes to have fun.
Chris tells Patti that he doesn’t want to date a girl taller than him, and Patti retorts, “So you’re looking for the spinner type?” She’s mentioned spinners before, and finally defines them for us in a confessional: “A spinner is a petite little girl, you know, who’s gorgeous and hot but that you can spin, spin, spin.”
The word “but” in the above sentence is one of the funniest word choices I’ve heard in a reality TV show in a long time. Patti then goes on to ask Albie if he’s a “breast man… or a little caboose, what do we like?” Keep in mind that momma Manzo is in the room – the kitchen, no less – for all of this.
Patti then says of Albie, in a confessional thankfully (I guess): “If I was 25, I would totally tap that.”
Patti decides to “switch things up” with regard to the mixer this time around: it’ll be at The Brownstone (which is getting major product placement in this episode, by the way), where Patti will bring in three gals each for each of the brothers. The “catch” will be that they won’t be aware at first that Chris and Albie are Millionaire’s Club clients.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jersey in the House”: the recruiting session
For Albie, Patti’s seeking the following kinds of ladies: “Smart, education, I want college there.” And for Chris, who has “his training wheels on,” she’s looking for fun and spunky young women who also happen to have careers going.
Since the clients this week are both good natured, level headed, non-insane, non-egomaniacs, Patti is left with the poor women who showed up at the recruiting session to get the brunt of her ire.
For example, a woman introduces herself as a Pilates instructor, and Patti quickly dismisses her with, “Too big.” And then if that’s not enough: “No offense, if she’s a Pilates instructor, did she eat the entire class?”
And while Patti is impressed with how many of the women have college degrees, she’s much less so by the way they’re dressed. “Fashion capital of the world? Please!”
In the end, they find the ladies they’re looking for and are ready to move on to the mixer.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jersey in the House”: the mixer
Before the mixer, Dr. Lillian Glass teaches Albie how to talk to women and screen out those who are into him because his mom is famous. And she also tells him that if a girl has her feet pointed toward him, they’re into him. Go figure.
At the mixer, the gang has a spy camera set up on the table, and Albie and Chris are set up as the “hosts of the event” with the additional set-up that the millionaires are “late” to see how the women react. It’s a Candid Camera edition of The Millionaire Matchmaker, people!
The fellas enter the room to take drink orders, and “spicy” Violeta orders a tequila… at 11 a.m. Patti assesses she came “with her stripper guns” and that “she had her tatas out to China, and there’s no way that Mama Caroline’s gonna let that girl get her son.”
While everyone continued to “wait” for the millionaires, Chris connects with Rachel, a PR intern who had also appeared at the mixer in the previous episode of TMM. And Albie seems taken with the personable and genuine Nikki, an English teacher from New Jersey.
Meanwhile, things get a bit weird with Patti, Caroline, and Dr. Glass all commenting on the body language of everyone in the room.
Patti does The Big Reveal and tells everyone that they have been lied to about the millionaires, and then announces that Chris selects Rachel for The Big Date, while Albie goes with Nikki.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jersey in the House”: Chris and Rachel’s first date
Chris has Rachel meet him at Medieval Times, which I thought was only a west coast thing, but… it’s not. It’s national! They actually have the entire place to themselves except for the cast and staff, which would kind of be bizarre to experience, I’d imagine. The couple both dress up in medieval costumes and seem to get along nicely in the process.
They also learn that you’re forced to eat “medieval style” food with your hands, which honestly looks pretty awkward. Then the jousting and sword fighting gets going, and because Chris and Rachel are the only ones in the stadium style seating, I’m reminded a bit of the NBA’s “bubble season,” where pro basketball went on during the pandemic in empty arenas.
Rachel thinks Medieval Times is “cheesy,” and it’s hard to blame her.
They then head to dessert at a place called Quays. Rachel notes that Chris “redeems” himself with a classy end to the date. She says in confessional that Chris needs to work on his first date skills a bit, though she says this not unkindly.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jersey in the House”: Albie and Nikki’s first date
Albie and Nikki head down to Chelsea Pier and kick off with champaign on a fancy looking yacht. Their conversation is pretty easy and genuine, and Albie notes in a confessional that he feels that she wouldn’t be into him only because his mother is a reality TV star.
The couple also ends their date with dessert as well, and they joke around about meeting Patti and Albie’s mom. The conversation then turns to religion – Nikki is Jewish and Albie is Catholic.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jersey in the House”: post-dates upshot
From an editing perspective, both dates end pretty abruptly. For that reason, and also because the clients and their dates were all among the nicest and sanest the show has ever featured, I was genuinely curious to see what would happen from here.
Patti calls Rachel, who says that the Medieval Times choice was a little “immature,” but that she’s open to dating him again. Patti calls it a “real rookie mistake.”
Then Patti talks to Nikki, who relays that a second date is already set up, and they’ve spoken on the phone already as well.
The boys then visit the office. Patti encourages Albie to cut the “umbilical cord” of being too close with his family, which seems maybe to be overstepping a bit… but let’s face it, this is Patti we’re talking about here. In any event, Patti gives Albie an “A” for his date, but Chris not so much. Treat a date like a lady, not like a “wench,” so says Patti.
Cut to the end of episode captions, and we learn: “Chris and Rachel never went out again. He’s still a Millionaire in Training.” And: “Albie and Nikki continue to talk and are taking thing slowly. He is gradually letting his guard down.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Jersey in the House”: where are they now?
Chris, Albie, Caroline and others from the Manzo clan all appeared in 30 episodes of the reality show, Manzo’d With Children, from 2014-2016. Full disclosure: I have not seen a single second of this show.
More recently, Albie Mazo “married his longtime love, Chelsea DeMonaco, in a stunning ceremony in Piegaro, Italy.”
Meanwhile, it seems the Manzo bros are still working together on various business ventures in New Jersey, including “partnering with the Berkely Oceanfront hotel in Asbury Park to renovate the resort.” Additionally, “Chris owns Hoboken-based Tenth Street Pizza after being inspired from working in the Manzo family’s food hall The Brownstone.”
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Jersey in the House”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 4, Episode 2
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
AIR DATE – March 30th, 2010
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Caroline Manzo, Albie Manzo, Chris Manzo
NETFLIX DESCRIPTION – “Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Caroline Manzo has a special request for Patti: find ideal partners for her two very different sons.