“I’m looking for a girl with junk in the trunk, Kim Kardashian-style.” – Jason
We open this edition of The Millionaire Matchmaker with Patti Stanger giving the young ladies of New York City a primer on how to meet men in the Big Apple.
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“Driven men run Wall Street. You gotta go down, downtown,” she tells a group of young women. “And you gotta get to the bar about, mm… 4:30.” She then strongly advises them to go by themselves; bringing dates along is a no no.
She then teaches them about getting men’s attention by attracting their gaze with the “five-second flirt.” This seems to involve holding a Halloween mask of mirth for a full five and then looking away.
After absorbing this, I’m honestly wondering whether this short segment of television would be enough to get Patti canceled in 2024.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Brooklyn vs. Botox”: the clients and intro videos
Destin mysteriously announces that two “surprise millionaires” are on deck. The first is Jason Teich, 31, who is a “boy’s boy.”
Jason greets us in his intro video with, “Hey Patti, Brooklyn in the house, what what?” We then learn once again that he’s from Brooklyn, and also, “White cheddar, they call me.”
Patti, who seems to always reference Sex in the City for NYC women and Jersey Shore for the men, says, “He’s like a Jewish Mike ‘The Situation.’’ Jason is into real estate and into hanging out with “his boys.” His “boys” are “his peoples.”
Rachel suggests that “maybe he should get married to his boys.”
Jason is looking for a smart, confident, and attractive woman… who also has “junk in the trunk, Kim Kardashian-style.” He follows this up with explaining that he’s been immature in the past but is now looking, presumably, for the right kind of girl.
Patti’s takeaway: “He thinks he’s hot because he’s got a few pennies in his pocket.” She’s also skeptical that he’s looking for a serious relationship.
Then Rachel tells us about David Yontef, who is 39 and gay. David kicks off his intro video with, “Thank you, Botox. I do not look late 30s.”
Then Patti says something I’ve never heard her say, which is particularly jarring as we’ve literally seen about 12 seconds of David. “No offense, I don’t think I can do this one… no hot guy’s gonna date him.”
We learn that David has “downtown” and “uptown” Manhattan apartments, the former of which he paid $5 million in cash for. He also has a nice little laundry list of things he’s looking for in a relationship, which Patti and the gang scoff at… but isn’t that what rich clientele are kind of paying The Millionaire’s Club for? Just asking the questions here.
“He’s critical beaver,” Patti continues. “CB-ers do not do well in the club.” She also assesses that David is “judgmental, critical, analytical, and totally sarcastic.” She does not happen to add, “But in a good way,” however.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Brooklyn vs. Botox”: Patti meets the clients
Patti heads to the famous Peter Luger Steak House in Brooklyn to have lunch with Jason. When she arrives, two of Jason’s “bros” are there, and Patti kicks them out in a probably-but-definitely scripted reality TV moment.
We also learn that Jason is the VP of a family business that’s a “school that trains medical billers.” This fact is close to the exact opposite of what you’d expect from the yo what up Brooklyn in the hizzzy guy we’ve just met.
Patti tells Jason he has “Vince Chase Syndrome,” in terms of wanting to have his friends with him all the time, so now we get an Entourage reference. Way to go, Patti!
She ominously warns Jason that if she finds out the “posse” goes on the date with him, she’ll “snip it off.”
After that, David visits The Millionaire’s Club office. We learn that he is the founder of a recruiting firm, and that he thinks he looks “much younger” than 39. He then name drops some celebrities that live in one of his apartment buildings: Hugh Jackman, Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman.
Appearance and “personal upkeep” (read = Botox) are very important to David, and very few guys “make it past the first date” with him. No word on whether David or the other guy makes the call on this most of the time.
Patti begins by telling David he’s out of his mind if he thinks he’s going to find someone who also has money like him. She then digs into the fact that he’s thin, telling the camera in a confessional, “David looks like a pasty ‘manorexic’ from a Tim Burton movie.”
Patti’s verdict: feel lucky if we find you a “7 out of 10.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Brooklyn vs. Botox”: the recruiting session
Patti is in an unusually good mood during the first part of the recruiting sesh, telling one very in shape gay man there for David, “God I’d flip you so good.” Overall, she’s thrilled with the bounty of potential boyfriends for David: “Gay men are so easy.”
Then things take a turn as the women come in auditioning for Jason’s side of the mixer. In fact, Patti says, “The women were so ugly, I was, like, ready to cut Andreea’s wrists.” Andreea, as reminder, is the intern for this New York City-based season. And also, as reminder, Andreea gets thrown under the Millionaire’s Club bus by Patti every episode, seemingly.
To another woman: “You’re like a bad stripper look.” And then: “Your hair’s messy. Your outfit sucks.”
So much for the good mood.
Eventually, Patti finds the Kim Kardashian-esque Amy, a dancer and model, and then, “the clouds have parted, the angels came down,” which prevented Patti from having to take “suicide pills.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Brooklyn vs. Botox”: the mixer
Before the mixer, there’s a really weird segment where Patti has a makeup artist transform David into a truly hideous version of whatever one would describe his normal look as. The idea is that people on the street in Manhattan will “gawk at him,” thus breaking him of his habit of dismissing others “based on looks.”
On The Millionaire Matchmaker. Where a good chunk of the show is finding “hot” dudes and ladies with Kim Kardashian-like etc. etc. But moving on…
During the mixer, David focused on not just focusing on looks – which, to his credit, he made some attempt at – while Jason was clearly less bro-ish without his Brooklyn boys there as wingmen. For the mini-date round, David selects Christos and Oscar while Jason goes with Shelly, an Israeli paralegal, and Kardashian-esque Amy.
Patti is happy all around, though she saves some ire for her client, Jason, who she says is “dressed like Paul Bunyon and drinking like a fish.” To be fair, hitting the beers starting at 10:30 a.m. isn’t the best look.
For The Big Date round, Jason selects Amy, though he’s concerned that she doesn’t like to drink and “get drunk” as much as he does. And David picks Christos, who lives in Brooklyn but is from Long Island.
David the Manhattanite considers Brooklyn to be a “long distance relationship” but still feels it’s worth giving the relationship a shot. Also, side note that David seemed vaguely aware of Christos’ neighborhood of Greenpoint, which would go on to become one of the hottest areas of all of New York City.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Brooklyn vs. Botox”: David and Christos’ first date
Christos meets David in what looks like the SoHo neighborhood of lower Manhattan (side note: I love SoHo, even if its gotten somewhat more corporate over the years). Shopping for home décor is on deck, which SoHo happens to be perfect for… if expensive.
The differences between the two become clear quickly as David considers buying an expensive chandelier, which takes Christos aback. Then the two share some champagne in an area of a cleared out furniture store, which is a bit odd. Further differences arise when David says that he hates people and wants to stay home all the time.
At dinner, David sends his drink back as it’s not exactly to his liking, which Christos fully picks up on. They then bring dessert to Central Park, and it looks like a glorious New York scene. However, the conversation trends downward to awkward silences.
David insists in a confessional interview that things with Christos didn’t work out not because of his “checklist” but because “I was bored to tears and was trying not to cry.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Brooklyn vs. Botox”: Jason and Amy’s first date
Jason rolls down in a limo to pick up Amy at her apartment. The plan is to head to a sushi restaurant called Koi at the Bryant Park Hotel. The two seem to have an easy chemistry, but then Jason encourages her to do a “sake bomb” with him, which requires dropping a shot glass filled with sake into a pint of beer.
Amy had already let Jason know that she wasn’t much of a drinker, and the sake bomb splashing all over Jason is definitely not a great look. Plus, it’s also like the middle of the day.
“Lush?” Amy says. It’s a question and a statement at the same time, even though she’s smiling when she says it.
Jason then takes Amy to a rooftop bar, where he “thinks some of my friends are going to be there.” So now Jason has quickly violated both of Patti’s edicts – don’t drink too much, don’t invite your Brooklyn posse on the date – the latter of which she hammered home multiple times.
Jason explains, “Those are my peoples and I want them to meet her.”
And indeed, the posse is in full effect at the rooftop bar, and it appears they started drinking earlier… in the day than the part of the day when Jason started taking down sake bombs. Oh, and now the drinks switch over from sake to tequila, which is a unique move out of the Day Drinking Handbook (first date edition).
Pretty quickly, the fellas start chanting “USA! USA! USA!” for reasons that remain unclear, while Jason orders another round of beer and shots for the group. “Get ready to get f—ing f—ed up,” one of the posse members says. And meanwhile, Amy is going strong with club soda and lime post-aborted sake bomb mission.
The date ends with the boys “strongly encouraging” Jason to kiss Amy in front of them, which he gladly does.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Brooklyn vs. Botox”: post-dates upshot
Patti checks in with Christos first by phone. Christos’ take is that David seemed guarded, nervous, and mentioned the comment about hating people. “That’s why he’s gonna end up alone,” Patti retorts. When David stops by the office, Patti tells him that he has to “shift that core” to stay positive.
“You have to say positive affirmations and not negative.” Patti’s in a surprisingly good mood, partially because David seemed open to feedback, and likely also because she’s saving her grand finale for Jason.
Patti then calls Amy. “He immediately started drinking,” is the first thing that she says. Then the part about the friends coming down to the date came out. When Jason shows up in the office, Patti lays into him that he has no respect for women.
Jason said that he does have respect for women, but that he wanted Amy “to see what she was getting herself into.” And then he explicitly refused to apologize about it.
“Get the f— out of my club,” Patti fires back. And for once, she’s being completely reasonable.
“I don’t think I can handle anymore New York City nutjobs,” Patti adds.
The end of episode captions tell us: “Jason and Amy are no longer dating. Jason continues his bromance with his Brooklyn buddies.” And: “David and Christos did not go out again. But David is working on being a lover, not a hater.”
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Brooklyn vs. Botox”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 4, Episode 3
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
AIR DATE – November 2nd, 2010
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Jason Teich, David Yontef
NETFLIX DESCRIPTION – Patti has her work cut out for her with a hypercritical business exec who’s all about appearances and a Brooklyn bro with partying on the brain.