“It’s not like, hey world, see my tits!” – Patti
We kick off with Patti Stanger providing a “sex seminar” to a group of women. “Kissing is allowed. I just don’t recommend going in, in, or in.” Patti indicates where on the body the use of “in” means, and I’ll let you figure out the rest.
“Don’t give him a blowjob and don’t think that that’s not sex,” she says, adding: “Maybe President Clinton thought that, but that’s still sex.”
Check out our full and snark-tastic Millionaire Matchmaker episode guide and updates! Trash and treasure in equal increments, we promise.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice”: the clients & intro videos
Rachel introduces the first client up to bat in this installment of The Millionaire Matchmaker: Matt Siegel, who is described as “The Cookie Diet’s son.” Matt is 47 but desires “boys who are younger.”
In his intro video, Matt says that he is the President of Dr. Siegal’s Cookie Diet. Patti’s first reaction to that is, “He dresses horrible. That plaid shirt does not go with grandpa’s tuxedo jacket.” Matt goes on to say that he doesn’t want to end up alone like Mr. Burns on The Simpsons. He’s looking for a funny and witty partner who likes Woody Allen movies.
“Give me a break,” is Patti’s reaction. And then when Matt says that he wants someone like “Matthew Broderick 10 years ago,” Patti retorts that he probably wants Broderick circa Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. She goes on to coin the term “gaygist,” which stands for “gay ageist.” Clever, right?
Then we have Elena Alekstrovanya, 37, which Patti immediately reacts to with, “Oh my god… f—ing Russian in the house.” Destin describes her as a “hardcore millionairess” with a $15 million apartment.
In her intro video, Elena talks about how she’s in real estate and has more than $15 million (seems to be her favorite number). Patti meanwhile speculates about how much plastic surgery work she’s had done.
Elena has a seven-year-old and is looking for a man who likes kids. Meanwhile, Destin starts talking about how “she’s like a Bond villain.” Patti’s assessment is that Elena is single because she intimidates men with her beauty and wealth.
Patti also says in a bad Russian accent that, “I do not work well with my kind,” nothing that she’s Russian herself. Destin invites himself along to meet the clients to help her out and to keep her calm-ish, presumably.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice”: Patti & Destin meet the clients
While the Millionaire’s Club crew heads over to meet Elena, we learn that Elena moved from Russia to New York City because “it’s the best city in the world.” As a native New Yorker and former NYC resident, this earns points with yours truly. She also says that she has everything but “inside I’m little girl.”
Elena tells Patti and Destin that physical appearance and someone who will be caring to her and her son are more important than a man with his own money. Meanwhile, Destin jumps in and says, “The elephant in the room is that my eyes keep going right there.”
And by right there, he means Elena’s low-cut top. Patti says, “Maybe less is more,” and pulls down the front of her top a bit as a visual indicator. Then she pulls her top down even further and says, “It’s not like, hey world, see my tits!” And then, if that’s not enough, Patti plants her face into Elena’s chest and says, “’Cause he’s gonna be like this. Hi, how are you doing, Elena? Hello!”
No, this is not The Millionaire Matchmaker fan fiction or… another kind of parody. This is The Millionaire Matchmaker proper.
Patti then says she’s going to bring “several mini-dates” to Elena, so looks like we’re skipping the general mixer part on this edition of TMM once again.
Then Patti’s off to meet Rachel at Matt’s hotel as Rachel is the head of the Millionaire’s Club “gay division.”
Matt lets us know that he’s worth $10 million, loves his work, and likes younger men. Patti digs into the latter bit right off the bat, calling it ridiculous that while he wants to find a partner to grow old with, he’s most attracted to guys in their late 20s.
Patti also feels that Matt is far too negative, and also “dry and drab,” including his attire. Bring on the image consultant to the rescue!
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice”: the recruiting session
Typically it’s around this point in the episode when Patti makes a comment that’s both baffling and somewhat unsettling. And she didn’t disappoint by kicking off the recruiting sesh with, “She wants a hottie patottie that’s going to go squishy gishy inside of her… and play baseball with her son.”
And since it’s an “all men” recruiting session to fulfill the desires of the clients in this edition, the gang plays a (super wrong by 2024 standards) game of “gay or straight” with the interviewees.
Meanwhile, Patti has one of the guys take off his shirt and compliments him on his hairless “slip and slide” body. And that’s before Geronimo the go go dancer took off his shirt and did a little performance for the gang (P.S. they love him for Elena).
And meanwhile, Part II: Patti reiterates her anti-redhead bias. It makes me consider that Patti would be very much aligned with Donald Trump’s erratic decision making during his era of hosting The Apprentice (and, let’s face it, far beyond that too).
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice”: the mixer
Before the mixer, Patti brings in image consultant Steve Santagati to help out Matt. The three of them go shopping for a quick edition of Straight Guy for the Queer Guy, I guess? Meanwhile, Patti keeps going on about “not wanting to f— grandpa.”
Also: Matt has a very odd flat vocal affect that is very difficult to get used to.
At the mixer, Patti fumes that Matt comes dressed “like Liberace on steroids.” To be fair, I think McLovin from Superbad would be most impressed with Matt’s getup. Elena meanwhile gets points for not coming dressed “with her tatas out.”
During the mini-date round, Matt’s way of flirting is by telling one potential date that while he might seem like a nice, mild-mannered guy, he’s actually a colossal a—hole. And meanwhile, Destin performs a “dating intervention” on Elena, telling her she’s intimidating the dudes, and to “pump up the fun” and energy.
Elena eventually warms up, and ended up liking Joseph, a singer/comedian (who sings an awkwardly terrible song for but… hey, she likes it!), and Geronimo, the Chippendale’s-esque go go dancer who charmed her by asking about her son.
Matt commends Patti for the selection of men she wrangled, and Patti returns the compliment as Matt didn’t jump all over the young and attractive Jimmy, who Patti sprinkled into the mix as a “test” for his typically “gaygist” ways.
For the Big Date, Elena chooses Geronimo while Matt selects Rhett, who did a remarkable job of opening up the acerbic and odd vibe that Matt typically gives off.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice”: Elena and Geronimo
Geronimo rolls up in a hog-like motorcycle to pick up Elena for their date in Manhattan. “Wow, I love it… you’re like from magazine,” Elena says.
Since Elena likes art, Geronimo takes her to a place called Mugi, where they can make art together, which seems like a great choice. They discuss languages and Geronimo talks about his Dominican background. They then get into a position to make pottery a la the movie Ghost. How romantical.
It certainly seems like Patti delivered exactly what Elena requested, and they seem to get along famously… at first.
At dinner, the couple talks about their careers and what they want out of their future relationships. It’s a funny moment when Geronimo explains at first that he’s a “party motivator for parties,” but then quickly goes further in saying that he’s a go go dancer. Elena had heard about that, and immediately requests a demonstration.
Her reaction to his “demo” is pretty awkward, and we soon learn that his career choice is sadly going to be a dealbreaker.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice”: Matt and Rhett
The pair meets on the street, and Matt asks, “So how would you like to learn how to cook from one of the greats?” And indeed, they then head into the French Culinary Institute and meet Chef Nils Noren. The chef then teaches them how to make a smoked salmon dish.
Rhett feels like he’s making an effort at being flirty but doesn’t feel like it’s reciprocated. Lack of chemistry alert… though it’s hard to imagine Matt having chemistry with anyone, frankly.
Taciturn Matt gets more distant at dinner, and says in a confessional that Rhett might be too fun loving for him. Note to Matt: a tree might be more fun loving than you, my guy. Matt then calls Rhett’s sense of humor “sophomoric” to his face, and goes on to tell him how attracted he was to young Jimmy at the mixer.
Maybe Matt’s been dieting too hard on his dad’s weirdo cookie diet or something?
Matt soon storms off (acerbically), and accuses Rhett – a very sweet and reasonable man, I might add – of being in an “alcohol induced psychosis.” Somewhere in there Rhett tosses a drink in Matt’s face, and then later Matt talks about how being alone isn’t “the worst thing in the world,” and how he just finished a Cormac McCarthy book that talks about life as being “calamitous beyond reckoning.”
Have fun with your solo dystopian reading adventures, my man.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice”: post-dates upshot
Patti calls Geronimo, and gets into how the go go dancing sent his date with Elena off the rails. Patti fired back that the first date was “way too soon to take out the washboards.” In the office, Elena says she likes Geronimo, but the dancing is a no go (go).
Patti pushes back that Elena knew this about him going in. Patti advises her to “go for an 8” next time who has a career. “Yes, it was my mistake,” Elena agrees.
Patti concludes that Geronimo will be Elena’s “starter guy” in dating Americans, and she’ll continue down the right path for her.
Rhett then stops by the office, and he unloads about the date with Matt. “What a loser,” is Patti’s reaction about Matt’s behavior. Then Matt enters the office, so Matt and Rhett are now sitting side by side in front of Patti.
“You don’t tell someone that they were their second choice,” Patti says to Matt about his pining for young Jimmy. And then Matt basically acts like Rhett should have been slavishly grateful for the opportunity to have gone on such a high-end date with him. He then weirdly segues into accusing Patti of being “homophobic and ageist.”
“Don’t you insult me in my house!” Patti says, using “house” in the same way that home basketball and football teams get into their “not in our house!” mode when talking about defending their home turf. “You don’t deserve love,” she finally concludes. “And that’s why you’re single.”
And then she boots his a—out the door. I must say it was one of the more satisfying moments I’ve seen on The Millionaire Matchmaker.
The end of the episode captions tell us: “Elena and Geronimo never went out again. She is still looking for her ideal American man.” And: “Matt and Rhett have not spoken. Matt is still attracted to younger men… and remains single.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice”: where are they now?
I was hoping to dig up some information on where Matt Siegel is up to these days, but all I could find is a very “on brand” press release that he issued about a year after appearing on The Millionaire Matchmaker, called “Gay Millionaire Breaks Yearlong Silence on Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger’s Arcane Views.”
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Cookies and Ice, and Everything Nice”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 4, Episode 10
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
AIR DATE – December 28th, 2010
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Matthew Siegel, Elena Alekstrovanya
NETFLIX DESCRIPTION – A Russian real estate mogul worries that her looks and money intimidate men, while a middle-aged man born into money refuses to date guys his own age.