“No offense, she’s a large sized woman.” – Patti
The cold open spotlights Patti Stanger giving a “really special seminar” on aphrodisiacs. Patti brings in Dr. Alan Hirsch, “an expert on senses and smells.”
Check out our full and snark-tastic Millionaire Matchmaker episode guide and updates! Trash and treasure in equal increments, we promise.
Patti is excited about Dr. Alan teaching everyone about “how does smellology affect us in the dating arena.”
Smellology. In the dating arena. Let’s let that sink in. Or not.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Hello Kitty in a One Horse Town”: the clients & intro videos
“We need more penises in the room,” Patti says when she learns that a millionairess will be one of the clients in this edition of TMM. And you know we’re getting off the launch pad of another Millionaire Matchmaker episode when Patti drops her first penis reference!
First up to bat is Robin Kassner, 33, a publicist who owns a PR firm. Destin describes her as a lover of Hello Kitty and also that she’s “chunky.” Not cool, Destin. Plus, you could lose a few yourself, my guy.
In her intro video, Robin describes herself as “born fabulous.”
Patti responds with: “No offense, she’s a large sized woman.” Meanwhile, Patti is wondering “how drunk” Robin is in her intro video as we see her drinking a Cosmo.
Robin seeks out a “Jewish Matthew McConaughey,” someone who is “tall, hunky” with “blonde hair, blue eyes, just really ruggedly handsome.”
“What world does she live in?” Patti asks. Rachel concurs that she “needs a wakeup call.”
Rachel then introduces the next client, 45-year-old John Bongiorno. “Is he slippery when wet?” Destin quips. Rachel then notes that everyone will love John, though “he’s a bit of a commitment-phobe.”
In his intro video, John complains that all the women he dates are like, “Bam! Marriage right off the bat.” John also notes that he’s in the “exporting” trade. No word on whether or not he’s also in the importing trade.
John is into “buxom, voluptuous” women, as well as those who are both smart and fun.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Hello Kitty in a One Horse Town”: Patti meets the clients
Robin visits The Millionaire’s Club office. Patti greets her, and it’s one of the least sincere tones from Patti that I can ever recall. Meanwhile we learn that Robin runs Haute PR, “one of the leading beauty PR firms,” and she’s worth $1.7 million.
Robin considers herself to be a “catch,” fun, and fabulous, so at least she doesn’t have insecurity issues to worry about. She also has two Pomeranians, who are named Bruiser and Paris Hilton. Robin terms her age of 33 as “crunch time” for finding “true love” and having kids.
Robin tells Patti that she wants a very tall, blonde haired, Matthew McConaughey type. Patti retorts in a confessional interview that Robin is too looks-driven and asking for way too much for someone who doesn’t take care of herself, a “plumpty-tumpty.” “No offense,” she adds.
Deshawne then drives Patti to meet John Bongiorno. We learn that John owns Bongiorno Trucks for Export, which is located in Stanford, Connecticut. He says he’s worth around $8 million, and drives a red sports car, rides horses, thinks he’s a great catch (too), and calls himself the “last of the Mohicans” for doing things like opening doors for the ladies.
Patti gets weirdly contentious when they meet, insisting that John is resistant to commitment with the women he dates. She might well be right, but her confrontational style is jarring. Just more of the Patti Stanger brand of tough love matchmaking… or something, I guess.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Hello Kitty in a One Horse Town”: the recruiting session
Highlights of the recruiting session include Patti lighting up when she discovers that one of the women works for Sheila Kelley, S Factor, which provides “stripping for women” classes. Patti had taken one of the classes, apparently, and compelled the woman to demonstrate some of the moves with her.
One of the dudes there for Robin is dressed like McLovin in Superbad, and I was totally thinking he looks “elvish” before learning his name is Meridoc – apparently his parents were enormous Lord of the Rings fans (I’m not making this last bit up).
Oh, and Luke is a very attractive, blonde, and Jewish plumber. Matthew McConaughey-esque even, perhaps. Patti wants to bring him to the mixer as he’ll be the “test” to break Robin of her “superficiality.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Hello Kitty in a One Horse Town”: the mixer
The first thing of note going on during the mixer is that Robin is “guzzling wine with a straw,” as Patti notes. “Who the hell does that?” she adds.
Answer: she should simply guzzle wine sans straw like a normie, says this author.
Oh, and Patti also makes sure to slide in: “She looks like a box of crayons exploded all over her face.”
Robin says in a confessional interview that she’s a little “overwhelmed” that all of these guys came to the mixer just to her. She… also seems pretty tipsy.
I must admit that it’s pretty funny when Robin goes into how much she loves the color pink and Hello Kitty that one of the guys, in full non-ironic deadpan New York City accent, asks, “What’s Hello Kitty?”
Meanwhile, John’s conversations are much more within the ordinary range of how these mixers tend to go. And Patti even praises him for “screening” the women in a mature way for wife potential.
For the mini-date round, Robin selects Anthony, a big and amiable recently retired NYPD cop, and Luke the McConaughey-esque plumber. Reason for choosing the latter (and failing Patti’s “test”): “He’s f—ing hot.” And John chooses Annie, who just got out of a relationship, and Dana, a cocktail server.
Robin has mentioned how much she loves her dogs multiple times, so of course she gets excited when Anthony mentions that he does as well and, in fact, was a K-9 cop. Luke meanwhile teases Robin that he might need a “backer” to start his own plumbing business one day, but it’s the kind of joke that really implies that this could easily be a sugar momma-style relationship.
John’s conversations goes well overall, but Dana’s Italian background seems to be particularly of interest to John, as he’s Italian as well.
For the master date, John selects Dana while Robin picks Luke, thus super failing Patti’s test. She’s actively rooting for the date to go up in flames.
The reason Robin chose Luke: “He’s f—ing hot,” of course.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Hello Kitty in a One Horse Town”: John and Dana’s first date
John takes Dana horseback riding to kick off The Big Date. John appreciates that Dana jumped into the saddle (literally in this case) with an activity she hadn’t tried before. “You were born in the saddle, honey,” he tells her.
When they’re both up on horseback and taking a tour around a gated area, it’s a pretty ideal way to have first date chit chat.
Post-ride, the two change and head out for a meal at an Italian spot called Buon Amici restaurant, located in White Plains, New York in Westchester County. The two seem to have a genuine connection, and have fun talking about their respective nicknames (John John and DD).
Dana notes in a confessional that she feels she has chemistry with John. And John says, “I haven’t had a connection like this in a long time.”
The two share a sweet little kiss at the end of the date, and it’s one of the more romantic moments I’ve ever seen on The Millionaire Matchmaker.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Hello Kitty in a One Horse Town”: Robin and Luke’s first date
Luke meets Robin in Central Park with the idea of renting bicycles to bike around the park. Side note here that my wife and I did exactly this on a warm June day when we stayed in midtown Manhattan a few years ago, and it was one of our favorite activities during our New York City trip.
Robin seems less than thrilled about the plan, saying she hasn’t been on a bike since she was 15 years old. She gives it a shot, but is pretty nervous and says, “I’m freaking out, Luke!” a few times. Luke seems comfortable, of course, though to be fair he nearly completely takes out a roller blader that he should have been mindful of at one point.
And meanwhile, Luke continues to pepper her with comments that strongly imply that he’s looking for a pretty transactional relationship, shall we say.
Robin planned the “second half” of the date, which was in strict non-accordance with Patti’s orders that Luke make the plans. In any event, they hop aboard a cruise ship, Bateaux New York, for dinner.
“It’s a very sophisticated dinner cruise,” Robin says. “It’s a nice frickin’ boat,” Luke responds. And then Robin chats about how she’s getting Botox for her dog, Bruiser.
And then… Luke slides the convo back to how he’s in need of funding for his attempt to start a plumbing business. Robin for her part seems all in, and talks about supporting him via love… and with the gift of a Maserati.
It’s, uh… what’s the word for it? Weird. That’s my reaction here.
“This sounds like the perfect relationship” if Robin’s “not crazy,” Luke tells the camera.
Luke then tells Robin that he’s an “a—hole,” and Robin says, “I love a—holes. I wanna have sex with you.”
So… okay, that happened.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Hello Kitty in a One Horse Town”: post-dates upshot
Patti and Rachel call Dana first. She relays how thrilled she was with the date, and can’t wait to see John again. In the office, John completely agrees with Dana’s take. Patti finally relents on the whole “you’re a commitment-phobe” thing to an extent, saying, “This is a first date. Let’s see where you are in six months.”
John says that he wants to see Dana again on Saturday night, which is way more specific than many Millionaire’s Club clients are post-date #1.
Destin and Patti then call Luke, and of course it comes up immediately that Robin made the plans for the dinner cruise. “Buying your affection, okay,” Destin says.
Luke then gets into how Robin was… “like rubbing on me, and like, trying to kiss me,” etc. And then the part about Robin saying she wants to buy him a Maserati and a Ducati (to boot!) comes out. Patti’s disgusted, and for once I’m fully with her. “Luke is a bona fide gold digger,” she says.
Patti and Destin meet Robin at Patti’s apartment, which has a lovely balcony with a view as an aside.
Robin gets vague when confronted about the promise of expensive cars: “I guess we were talking about that stuff.”
“You realize you’re paying for men,” Patti fires back. And: “He’s not sexually attracted to you!” Then she gets into how big of a mistake Robine made in not opting to date Anthony, who seems like a genuine, down-to-earth dude and seemed potentially interested in Robin.
Patti and Destin are exasperated when Robin then says how excited she is about her upcoming second date with Luke. “Of course you are…” Patti says. Destin’s reactions are kind of priceless here as well, it’s quite entertaining.
“I cannot help her… this is an unhealthy situation,” Patti concludes.
The end of episode captions then tell us: “John and Dana are still dating. He’s let go of his commitment issues and is excited about their future together.” And: “Robin and Luke dated a couple more times, but it didn’t last. She’s still searching for her own Matthew McConaughey.”
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Hello Kitty in a One Horse Town”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 4, Episode 11
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
AIR DATE – January 4th, 2011
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Robin Kassner, John Bongiorno
NETFLIX DESCRIPTION – Big personalities abound when a marriage-phobic exporter and a PR firm owner with a Hello Kitty obsession seek Patti’s guidance on finding love.