“Anybody have sex on a boat? Anybody get pregnant on a boat?” – William Stern
Within the first five seconds of this edition of The Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger is both holding up a DVD of Married In A Year – which she is on the cover of – and has already mentioned how much skinnier she is now versus a year ago.
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Patti is talking to Jeff, her business manager. Patti tells the camera that they were talking about business and then Jeff switches topics and wants to talk about her dating life, even though we literally just saw footage of Patti bringing up her dating life and how she can’t find anyone in LA.
And away we go.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Mama’s Boy Meets Southern Gentlemen”: the clients and intro videos
Patti arrives at the office, and she, Destin, and Rachel throw on the intro videos immediately. “My guy’s name is Brandon,” Destin tells us, and he’s a Creole from Louisiana who can speak French. Patti says bring on the jambalaya.
We then meet Brandon Broussard through his intro video, who says he’s a 34-years-old entrepreneur who now lives in Los Angeles. He enjoys travel, poetry, and speaking French to the ladies to make them swoon. Destin thinks he’s a nice guy who is “wounded,” whereas Patti assesses him as “arrogant.”
Brandon is looking for a woman with “a little bit of color” and who has some curves. “Kim Kardashian is a good start,” he says.
Rachel then introduces the other client, William Stern, by muttering, “Yeah, mine’s a winner.” William is 31, from San Diego, and owns a bank. Rachel assesses him as someone “trying to be cool but is a complete phony baloney.”
In his intro video, William looks like a soft spoken young corporate dude. He says that he has a passion for cars, and he’s in the midst of building a lotus race car. He also owns an orange Porsche. He likes women from cultures that are “spicy.”
Patti’s take is that William “thinks he’s Don Juan DeMarco, but it’s not happening.” She also thinks he’s a “fake player.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Mama’s Boy Meets Southern Gentlemen”: Patti meets the clients
Patti meets up with William first. On route, we learn that William is worth between $20-$25 million. William also heralds his “ridiculous” apartment in San Diego that overlooks the downtown area.
William then nosedives into deeply unlikable territory when he channels Tommy (played by the great Joe Pesci) from Goodfellas when he talks about how, when his friends ask him why he can’t settle down with a nice girl already, he responds, “Well, I do settle down with a girl almost every night.” That he says this with zero irony, humor, or self-awareness is slightly unsettling.
Over lunch, William tells Patti that he’s ideally looking for Asian girls, “or Natalie Portman.” He also prizes women with an education and who come from a good family.
Patti wants to find William a nice girl who he can bring home to his mother, but first wants him to see Dr. Pat Allen, who will “clean up his vibration.”
Clean up his vibration… yep. Let’s let that just hang out there, shall we?
Patti then has Josh the driver bring her over to Brandon’s loft apartment. We then learn that Brandon is worth about $2 million, and that he created the “Barack the Vote” campaign during the 2008 election cycle. We see Brandon posing with Barack Obama himself, and my admiration for Brandon has taken a very healthy leap at this point.
Brandon is looking to settle down and have kids, and also wants to share his love of travel and adventure – like extreme sports – with his romantic partner.
He then went into how a woman that he loved and was serious about broke up with him, and took ownership over the fact that it might have been because it was he didn’t listen to her enough. In terms of clients that show up on The Millionaire Matchmaker, this guy is off the charts in terms of self-awareness, it seems.
Patti retracts her “arrogant” comment, but wants Brandon to really listen to the women he meets at the mixer.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Mama’s Boy Meets Southern Gentlemen”: life coach session
Dr. Pat Allen, “relationship expert,” tells William that Americans “give sex too fast,” and that he’s been lulled into having sex with women who are interested in him just for his money.
Which is a little strange on a show (and company) designed to hook up millionaires with romantic partners, but let’s set aside at the moment.
Meanwhile, Patti goes into her “in, in, and in” shtick, which I’m not even going to get into explaining because I’m guessing you can figure it out. (Hint: she points to different parts of her body as she says “in, in, and in”).
“Men fall in love with virtue, not vaginas,” Dr. Pat tells him. William seems like he agrees with this in no way, shape, or form.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Mama’s Boy Meets Southern Gentlemen”: the recruiting session
Highlights of the recruiting sesh include:
- Patti announcing “hot Asian in the house.”
- “Let’s be real… you’re in the stages for obesity,” Patti tells a young woman.
- Erin, 21, works in food service and writes poetry. “I love your boobs but I hate your dress,” Patti tells her, but feels she’s perfect for Brandon.
- Ivy, a young student from China who is seemingly okay with “conservative” men, is deemed ideal for William.
- Patti tells someone that their hair is “greasy city,” and a woman named Amy is informed that she is “average Amy.”
- Rose from the mysterious “database” will also get brought to the mixer for William.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Mama’s Boy Meets Southern Gentlemen”: the mixer
At the group meet-and-greet style part of the mixer, Brandon interacts easily with the ladies while William says awkward/slightly creepy things like, “I like Asian and exotic women,” and asks awkward/slightly creepy questions like, “Anybody sailing? Anybody have sex on a boat? Anybody get pregnant on a boat?”
William seems to enjoy talking to Ivy, and then says to the camera, “It does make whatever’s going on down there hot.”
Meanwhile, we cut to Brandon talking about poetry with the women, and the contrast couldn’t be more stark. I must say, pretty great job on the casting this week for this reason, The Millionaire Matchmaker.
For the mini-date round, Brandon selects Jaclyn, who enjoys travel as he does, and Rose of “database” fame (who is a waitress, we learn). William picks Tammy, “because I went with education… ‘cause that’s sexy to me,” and Jaclyn “for looks.” Great job, Willy.
William asks Jaclyn “where she sees herself in five years,” and it’s like he pivoted from naughty frat boy mode to interviewing a summer intern. Overall, the more we see of William, there’s a creepy underbelly that slowly starts to get exposed. It’s both in what he says and in the way that he says it. Example: as the mini-date with Tammy starts, he says, “I like the earrings, you have cute shoes. You have a really nice body.” Maybe ease off the gas on the third part there, hoss.
William and Tammy have a very strange, almost combative mini-date, and it may well be that William enjoys it? At one point he demands to know at what age she lost her virginity, and if she’s ever had a one-night stand.
Maybe ease off the gas entirely there, hoss. And spend some time at the filling station. By yourself.
Brandon, on the other hand, is one thousand percent normcore in comparison, asking Jaclyn for example what she likes to do when she’s on vacation. This is Questions To Ask On A Frist Date 101 material right there. Jaclyn says she’d like to cook authentic food in Thailand, which Brandon seems most pleased about.
And when things are going super well between them as they talk about their families, Brandon smoothly slides in, “Now I’m attracted to you,” with just the right amount of charm, and Jaclyn replies, “Now I’m blushing.”
There’s a “big reveal” in front of the entire group for the “master date” selection, which was a huge tell that both William and Brandon chose Jaclyn. Thus, game show-style rules kick in and Jaclyn gets to choose which millionaire she wants to go on a full-blown date with. Jaclyn chooses Brandon, and I’m not sure I’ve ever so relieved while watching an episode of TMM as I was in learning of her decision.
Patti then pivots and asks Tammy if she’d like to go on a date with William, and she politely declines, saying they’re not “compatible.” First, great answer Tammy, and second, I’ve never seen this happen on TMM before!
“He screwed himself in the foot,” Patti says in one of the Most Patti Things That Patti Has Ever Said.
Patti then re-pivots and offers up Fahara as the backup to the backup. Sadly, Fahara says, “I would love to.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Mama’s Boy Meets Southern Gentlemen”: Brandon and Jaclyn’s first date
Jaclyn meets Brandon up in the hills somewhere around LA, and Brandon announces that their date will involve paragliding. He wasn’t kidding about being adventurous, apparently!
Jaclyn, a novice paraglider, assumes that they “will be jumping off a cliff and flying through the air somewhere.” Seems like a pretty good guess to me!
In practice, it looks quite a bit less crazy than hang gliding – particularly with each having an expert guide to help them – but I’m sure in practice jumping off that cliff takes some real gumption. To Jaclyn’s credit, she handles it like a champ.
The two then enjoy champagne down by the beach, and it looks like there are some seals out on the water. It’s scenes like this that make southern California look absolutely spectacular. Jaclyn and Brandon also seem to have a fun and easy banter going. And they even sneak a first kiss or two in, which is rather sweet.
“Patti is a genius,” Brandon exults.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Mama’s Boy Meets Southern Gentlemen”: William and Fahara’s first date
William “always wanted to try polo,” so he has Fahara meet him at a polo club. This is some highbrow first dating action here.
I’ve always thought that polo must be an extremely difficult sport to play, and this couple’s first lesson did nothing to change my mind. William calls Fahara “angelic and classy on the horse which, you know, what’s what I’m looking for.”
Weirdly, Patti calls William in the middle of the date, literally while both of them are up on their horses hitting balls around with their polo sticks, or whatever they’re called. “Why’s he trying to be something that he’s not?” Patti complains as soon as she learns what he’s up to (read = pretends to learn, so as to make the reality TV set-up more entertaining, or whatever).
William and Fahara then dress up for dinner, and Billy Boy gives her a bouquet of flowers, which is very nice. William also seems to have turned off his creepy quiet frat boy vibe and seems a lot more legitimate and genuine at this moment.
These two kids end up kissing as well over a glass of wine at sunset, and both seem very happy.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Mama’s Boy Meets Southern Gentlemen”: post-dates upshot
Patti and Rachel call Fahara first, who relays that she and William are already poised to go out on their second date that very evening. William then stops by the office, who says that Fahara is “probably the nicest girl I’ve ever dated.” Patti is impressed with his progress, and advises him that he’s no longer a player: “you’ve now become a full grown man.”
Destin and Patti then call Jaclyn, who relays that she had a blast. “It was as if we had known each other forever and had a great time,” she says. Even deep level goth-y Destin lights up at this and says, “Crazy!” “Brandon is the perfect client,” Patti says. Then, in an office visit, Brandon relays that he too already has the second date lined up.
It’s a rare episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker where everything goes as well as it could have, and Patti even has a minimal number of meltdowns.
In the end of episode caption sequence, we learn: “William and Fahara are still dating. He is looking forward to introducing her to his mom. And: “Brandon and Jaclyn are madly in love. He no longer needs to write sad poetry.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Mama’s Boy Meets Southern Gentlemen”: where are they now?
I couldn’t dig much up on what happened to the couples from this episode, but I did find a rather bizarre tidbit involving Brandon Broussard that dates to 2013.
Apparently, Brandon created a YouTube comedy sketch show called Purple Stuff TV, and wound up accusing Saturday Night Live of ripping off the idea for a comedy sketch called “Rosetta Stone for Whores.”
The SNL version is called “Rosetta Stone,” and it’s a commercial parody about… well just check it out if you’d like.
As a Saturday Night Live fanatic and amateur historian, I’d say that it’s possible though not likely that the idea was indeed stolen. I’ll also add that as someone who earns a living in the tech industry that there’s an axiom that “ideas are cheap, execution is everything.”
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Mama’s Boy Meets Southern Gentlemen”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 5, Episode 4
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
AIR DATE – September 8th, 2011
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Brandon Broussard, William Stern
GOOGLE PLAY DESCRIPTION – Destin and Rachel bring in two polar opposite clients. First up, Brandon Broussard is a young, good-looking, down to earth Southern gentleman with a broken heart. Can Patti’s mixer get him back in the game? On the other hand, William Stern is a wannabe player playing the game all wrong. This phony baloney banker speaks of settling down with a nice girl, but his actions show that he’s settling down with a new girl each night. Patti calls in the help of resident relationship expert Dr. Pat Allan to break this player of his antics.