“A boat doesn’t make your dick bigger.” – Robbie Mione
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Robbie Mione & Dane Dunn: client intros
It’s the walking wounded to kick off this edition of The Millionaire Matchmaker, as Patti Stanger limps into the Millionaire’s Club office with a broken toe, and meanwhile one of her new underlings has a smashed-up face from taking a header while skiing.
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“That’s bad…” Patti remarks of her underling’s appearance. “That’s gonna leave a scar.”
Patti then refers to herself as “limp-ty dimp-ty,” which I’d say is worse.
Underling David then introduces us to Robbie Mione, 47, a “celebrity optician.” These days, Robbie is “kind of just living off of his paycheck” though.
In his intro video, Robbie, or “Rob” as he calls himself, tells us that he’s originally from Brooklyn, now lives in Beverly Hills, and is worth $10 million. He then says that he has no interest in buying yachts like his wealthy friends do, because “a boat doesn’t make your dick bigger.”
I really wish I was making this up, but he then says, “I’ve always dated tall, thin blondes. I like an ass like a ten-year old boy.” He also uses his hands to demonstrate (I guess?) what he’s talking about.
It’s unsettling.
Patti expresses that she thinks Robbie is “half-superficial, half-jokester,” and that it makes her stomach turn. Not so much that she won’t cash his check, of course.
And then there’s Dane Dunn, 37, who tells us that he’s worth a few million bucks from owning three CrossFit gyms. He’s now divorced after his wife, who was his high school sweetheart, “started dating someone else.”
Dane is a “river rat” these days, meaning that he enjoys water sports such as jet skiing and wake boarding. He’s looking for a woman with a “wild side,” who also enjoys outdoor activities.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Robbie Mione & Dane Dunn: Patti meets the clients
While Patti heads over to meet Robbie, we learn that he started a business in a shopping mall, and that led to an empire (of sorts) of optometry stores that eventually included “big celebrity clientele.”
He then sold his company and now he “just takes it easy.” In fact, he lives out of a hotel “because it’s easier.”
Robbie has been divorced for nine years and thinks that the women he’s dated since are only interested in him for his money. Therefore, he’s looking for a job… and then jokes around that a woman half his age “wouldn’t hurt.”
Patti then cuts him off and challenges him with regard to his “Jackie Mason shtick,” and that his joking around masks his insecurities. And that his desire for younger women is “creepy city.”
Dane then stops by the office, where we find out that he has homes in Rancho Santa Margaria, California and Parker, Arizona, and drives a Dodge Charger with a Hemi engine. There’s other stuff too, but I got super distracted because we briefly see a shot of Dane sitting at a table by his pool, and the angle and the whole set-up makes it look a lot like Walter White’s backyard in Albuquerque in Breaking Bad (especially that one episode where his wife, Skyler, wanders into the pool with all her clothes on during a dinner party, and it’s super disturbing and revealing in revealing her existential crisis and deep feelings of dread. But that’s not important right now.
Dane got married at 23 and has two kids now, and he’s now been divorced for four years. His celebrity crush is Olivia Wilde, and emphasizes again that he wants a woman with an “edge.”
Meanwhile, we find out that the “edgy” women he’s dated in the past include a woman who he caught doing drugs in bed with another dude. And another one liked to drink and get abusive.
“So you date nutjobs,” says Patti.
She also assesses that Dane’s “picker” is way off, and part of her strategy is to drop a few “tests” in for her client during the upcoming mixer.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Robbie Mione & Dane Dunn: the recruiting session and mixer
Highlights of the mixer include:
- Lyndsie has quite a varied background: she runs a videography business in Arizona, has a background in standup comedy, and hails from England. Of course, Patti commands her to tell a dirty joke, and Lyndsie produces a surprisingly good one on the spot. The punchline: “The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.”
- Piper – who is the only person with that name outside of Orange Is the New Black – is an ice skater who has performed with Disney on Ice. Patti loves her, and compliments her on her “great tits.”
- Steffi is a palm reader, so Patti commands her to read her palm. Strong bloodlines, we’re told.
- Courtney is a model and a former Miss Alaska.
- The five foot, ten-inch Sheri is a former Rams cheerleader, so of course she’s commanded to do a cheer for the panel… and it’s pretty weak sauce, all agree.
- A woman is told by Patti that she’s got a Lady Gaga vibe and can come to the mixer but only if she can show some sexuality. “You might as well have a dick” with her current level of sexuality, Patti goes on, before high fiving her underlings. In writing these words it sounds completely made up, I know, but I assure you this happened on a TV show.
- Emily, a chef and yoga instructor, brings both her dog (named “Denday” for reasons that remain unclear) and a hula hoop with her. She will be one of Patti’s “tests” for Dane. Patti adds that she has “a few screws loose” and wants to see Emily’s “tatas” at the mixer.
The mixer is held at the Hollywood Museum at the “historic Max Factor building,” which sounds super touristy to me, but then again I lived in SoCal for about 13 years.
And it’s also time for a gimmick! Patti literally installs a “zapper” on Robbie, which is meant to correct his shticky, superficial-y joking ways with the ladies. Side note that I use a stim collar for our dog, but rarely have to use it because he’s a very good boy.
Patti takes a pretty free hand with the zapper during the mixer, visibly making Robbie cringe after he agrees that he “knows a lot about bars” when a woman tells him he’s a bartender. It’s pretty funny, actually.
“I want to smack him and stamp on him,” Patti says at one point, and then tells him that he’s the worst “student” she’s ever had when she pulls him aside.
For the mini-date round, both Robbie and Dane choose Emily R. – not the chef/yoga instructor/hula hoop lady with a dog named Denday but a different Emily, this one from Australia. Dane also chooses Courtney of Miss Alaska fame, while Robbie selects Sheri to round out his, uh, round.
Things tank hilariously with Robbie and Sheri as she calls him out for not recalling meeting her among a group of people the prior year. He’s forced to resort to, “Are you sure it was me?” That’s never, ever going to have a positive outcome for you, my guy. It gets extra cringe when Rob tells the camera that in his defense, tall blondes are “pretty much everywhere” in L.A.
In the end, a “lightning round” is avoided as Dane selects Emily R. for his full-blown master date, while Robbie goes with Sheri, now that he’s bothered to recall who she is among the pretty much everywhere blondes of Los Angeles.
Hilariously and amazingly, Sheri turns Robbie down on the spot for not remembering her and thus not making her feel special. This moment made me incredibly happy.
So instead of a “lightning round,” Patti appoints herself as the Supreme Court of sorts for The Millionaire Matchmaker, and thus chooses Lyndsie of videography and stand-up comedy fame as Robbie’s “third pick.” She’s reluctant herself (which made me admire her) but grudgingly agrees on Patti’s prompting.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Robbie Mione & Dane Dunn: Dane and Emily R.’s first date
Dane takes Emily R. on a helicopter ride over the picturesque southern California coast. Emily seems thrilled and says at one point, “Oh my god, I want to live here.”
Later, they have dinner at the Rooftop Inn in fancy Laguna Beach, in Orange County. The conversation takes a more serious turn, as they talk about their feelings about kids. Emily says that she’s open to it but has been focusing on her career, which apparently also includes writing a movie (she’s working on getting the funding to produce it).
“So if we hit off I’ll never get to see you is what you’re telling me,” Dane says, and while they both laugh at this, it kind of seems like a huge red flag dooming their relationship at the starting line, really.
However, Emily tells the camera that Dane is a “sweetheart” and that he has “all the qualities that Prince Charming would have.”
Dane asks her for a second date in the limo and Emily happily accepts… though I must note there’s a joke-but-maybe-not-a-joke thrown in by Dane about “if you can fit me into your schedule.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Robbie Mione & Dane Dunn: Robbie and Lyndsie’s first date
Robbie picks up Lyndsie for their date in an old-fashioned Bentley convertible. As a driver takes them around Hollywood and the Hollywood Hills, they get to know each other in the back of the car. Their banter goes along well enough, and Robbie is engaging without being as cheesy and lame as he had been earlier in the episode.
They pop a bottle of champagne and have a picnic on a hillside overlooking Hollywood, and Lyndsie tells the camera that she’s not used to “meeting romantic blokes” so she feels like “a very lucky lady.”
Robbie rents out Beso (or so he says), a restaurant in Hollywood, and Lyndsie seems thrilled. She does almost do a spit take when Robbie asks her if she’s open to a prenup, but quickly tells him that she thinks he’s very funny.
They agree to go out on a second date, and both seem genuinely enthusiastic about it.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Robbie Mione & Dane Dunn: post-dates upshot
Patti and Marissa call Emily R., and she relays that the date was “so lovely,” with a second date set up soon. In the office, Dane says “I had fun…” but it’s a clearly weird I had fun. It turns out he’s not happy about Emily’s speed in getting back to him when he texted her after the date.
Patti, using the powers vested in her, calls Emily immediately right in front of Dane. Emily talked about how she had been busy with her business and wants to see Dane again, but Patti quickly cuts her off and tells her she’s “full of s—” while Marissa smugly nods her head.
I’m not sure if there was some strange or “creative” going on here, but let’s just say I called it with the multiple red flags for these two kids I mention above.
Next, Lyndsie tells Patti over the phone that she found Robbie to be surprisingly great and is thrilled to go out with him again. Robbie agrees later in the office, but is quickly found out for already having had sex with Lyndsie… which is a big no no according to the Official Bylaws of the Millionaire’s Club.
There’s then a weird argument about actually “what happened,” before Patti orders Robbie to present Lyndsie with some kind of Monogamous Agreement. It’s so insane that I’m not making this stuff up, people.
“Really get to know her, and keep your pickle in your pants,” Patti ends with.
The end of episode captions then tell us: “Dan and Emily have not spoken to each other. Dane is back at his gym, and is successfully avoiding the nut jobs.” And: “Robbie has left his superficial self behind. He sent these pictures from his last visit with Lyndsie in Arizona.”
So it looks like it just might work out for two of these crazy kids, at any rate.
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Mr. Superficial and the Nutjob Magnet”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 7, Episode 6
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
AIR DATE – January 9th, 2014
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Robbie Mione, Dane Dunn
GOOGLE PLAY DESCRIPTION – Forty seven-year-old Robbie Mione is a successful former optician with many rich clients. Now a man of leisure, he’s looking to get married but his superficiality and jokes keep him from connecting with women. Will Patti get Robbie to change his shallow ways long enough to find a mate? Patti’s second millionaire this week is Dane Dunn, a 37 year old who lives in Orange County. He is an entrepreneur, owns several gyms, and has two kids from a previous marriage. Since his divorce, Dane says he has attracted only “nutjobs.” Can Patti teach Dane how to filter out the crazies so he can start dating a woman who is wife material?