“It was inconsiderate, arrogant, not sexy.” – Alanna
In the opening segment, Patti Stanger visits a psychic to get insight (I guess?) into her relationship with her longtime boyfriend, Andy. By the end of the session, the psychic tells Patti that Andy is a great guy but “threatened” by her power, and it seems like Patti has basically decided to dump him.
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This made me consider how Andy felt when he watched this episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker on basic cable, and also how it would play for a prospective client of The Millionaire’s Club.
But you know what? I’m probably overthinking it.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Michael Prozer & Dr. Robert Nettles: client intros
Chelsea introduces Dr. Robert Nettles, 34, a plastic surgeon who is “definitely obviously picky.”
When we see his intro video, my first reaction is that it looks like bro has been taking himself on as a client a bit too much, if you feel me.
Patti’s first reaction: “He uses his hands too much for a straight guy.” She then announces that she needs to find out if he’s “gay or straight.”
Dr. Nettles goes on to say that he wants a young, good-looking woman, and adds that as a plastic surgeon he immediately looks for imperfections on the faces of women he dates.
If you think that’s between a little and somewhat creepy, you’re not alone.
Destin then introduces Michael Prozer, 32, from Florida, who says he’s the CEO of an Internet company. My first impression of Michael is that he has very early ‘90s hair that’s slightly floppy and parted down the middle.
Michael also estimates his net worth “modestly” is around $400 million, which if true would mean that he can style his hair any which way he pleases, I suppose. Michael also has two sons from a former marriage in which he got married 90 days after meeting.
Patti and crew also notice Michael’s “retro” look and the fact that he wears a ton of jewelry.
“He’s the kid who never wants to grow up,” Patti says. “He’s in an arrested development state.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Michael Prozer & Dr. Robert Nettles: Patti meets the clients
As we see more of Dr. Robert, it’s important for me to note that his facial appearance freaks me out a little bit. Saying it’s “too perfect” isn’t quite right; saying it’s “kind of perfect for the serial killer in an over-the-top and not very good B movie from 1997” is closer to the mark.”
Dr. Robert also tells the camera that he’s seeking a woman who is “a lot like” himself.
When Patti meets Dr. Robert in his office (one in which I would not walk out of but run from flee from were I of the mind to shop around for a plastic surgeon), she asks him if women find him “a little bit effeminate.”
Dr. Robert counters that he feels “more rugged” because sports, he says.
“So you’re a straight guy,” Patti responds.
Dr. Robert’s request list when it comes to a woman includes:
- Someone that’s brunette
- Long, dark hair
- “Green blue eyes”
- A nice smile
- Great teeth
- Someone where “the flaws don’t upset you”
Patti thinks that Dr. Robert just needs to let his guard down and love into his heart or something in that vague ballpark.
All of this “Doctor Robert” talk requires us to bring out The Beatles circa Revolver, by the way.
Meanwhile, while Patti is on his way over to meet Michael, we learn for the second time that he has a 33,000 square foot house in Florida on a 26-acre property and is worth $400 million. So our guy is making some bank running some kind of “payment processing company” that’s focused on the South American market.
Michael seeks a woman who can “keep up with his lifestyle,” he tells Patti. Also: he’s not into blondes but is a “boobs and butt” guy.
“Michael’s really a country hick,” Patti tells the camera. She then goes further, calling him “T.P.T.,” which stands for Trailer Park Trash.
This compels me to call out “White Trash,” by the great Southern Culture on the Skids, who implore us: white trash… don’t call me that!
And this is all before she digs into Michael’s whole vibe and style to his face – she wants to get rid of the “Chris Angel look,” do something with his “bowl haircut,” etc.
The Chris Angel look thing is actually pretty good, I must admit.
Oh, and she wants a Dr. Robert-installed chin implant on Michael, too.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Michael Prozer & Dr. Robert Nettles: the recruiting session and mixer
Most of the recruiting session is fairly standard fare, by which I mean Patti orders a few women to come to the mixer in “push up bras,” and in one case she grabs a woman… by the bra, I guess you could say, and rattles it around for emphasis.
The most interesting moment kicks off when Chelsea announces that she finds Angela, a 26-year-old model from Manila, to be pretty and that she can attend the mixer. This sets off Patti, who weirdly channels George W. Bush in telling her and Destin that, “I’m the decider,” and then adds “we’re not having a communal spirit” when it’s pointed out to her that they had decided that a “yes vote” from any of them could signal that the person could move forward to the mixer round.
The mixer is at a place called Le Duke. When Michael meets the good doctor, Robert talks about how he likes that Patti “casts a psychological profile,” which does nothing to take my mind off the serial killer in movie analogy that I mention above.
Meanwhile, a screaming fit soon emerges between Patti and Josie, a disgruntled “gate crasher” woman who tried to sneak into the mixer. The oddest part of it is that Patti engages in an extended argument with Josie that at one point gets into whether Patti’s boyfriend lives in Encino or Sherman Oaks.
Which, if you live in LA, you’ll know that one city in The Valley is pretty much like them all.
Eventually, Patti is able to focus on the fact that while Michael changed up his look slightly for the mixer, he still looks like a “doofus clown” who wears a lot of “mannery.”
It’s been kind of a weird episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker up to this point, and how the mixer plays out gets even a bit weirder. Michael eventually settles on Alanna, a mature real estate broker from Boston, but that’s not the weird part.
Dr. Robert ends up waffling between the two women he selected for the mini-date round before asking Patti if he could meet with a third girl, Angela, after that. Angela uses the opportunity to call Dr. Robert a “jerk” and “an asshole” for not picking her the first time around, driving Dr. Robert to eventually fall back on Michelle, a an enthusiastic and very young student, who had just rejected a few minutes later.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Michael Prozer & Dr. Robert Nettles: Michael and Alanna’s first date
Michael takes Alanna on a private jet to visit his “compound” in Florida. On board, he busts out cookies and milk and tells his date how much he loves junk food.
As Micheal takes Alanna on a tour of his massive house, I started thinking about how when sometimes I’ll pass a mansion and think, “I wonder who lives there?” And then in this case, it’s this boyish-looking dude with the ‘90s haircut who lives in a Florida compound by himself in this case, and it’s pretty funny.
One large room includes enough exercise equipment to power a small to medium-sized paid gym, and Michael casually notes that he doesn’t really get to spend much time working out.
Now in the kitchen, Michael lights up as he busts out the potato skins and then delivers a cheers to his date. The two clink beverages – one has a Coke, the other Gatorade.
Next up is hitting some golf balls out onto a huge field on Michael’s enormous property. There’s a fairly low hedge right behind them, and I mention this because Michael announces, “I need to pee,” then walks a short distance around to the other side of the hedge to relieve himself.
“I didn’t feel like walking all the way back to the house,” he tells the camera.
“It was inconsiderate, arrogant, not sexy,” Alanna tells the camera. This delights me as I’m thrilled that she had the exact read on our dude that I was hoping for.
Also: no word on whether Michael washed his hands, post-pee.
Later, the couple gets us on a pair of jet skis, where we see Michael aggressively running his jet ski at his date and gleefully splashing her while he’s at it.
Alanna adds to the camera that Michael is “an egotistical dickhead.”
So… it’s not going well overall, it seems.
Michael meanwhile knows that Alanna is upset but literally cannot care less. “It’s a water sport,” he explains to the camera, with a dumb grin.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Michael Prozer & Dr. Robert Nettles: Robert and Michelle’s first date
Doc Robert picks Michelle up in a limousine and takes her to Dodgers Stadium for a planned “catered dinner.” Michelle is excited as she had told Robert that she loves sports.
On route, Michelle asks him what’s the one thing he’d want to change about himself, and it’s impressive that Robert considers the question and then says that he’d like to be less of a perfectionist, and how his work drives him have high standards. Michelle then says that her own flaw is that while she has a “huge heart,” it leaves her vulnerable to being hurt.
While Michelle seems very sweet, I must admit that I’d feel a bit nervous in hearing that in a first date scenario where you’re on the outlook for early red flags. But maybe our guy Dr. Robert doesn’t see the world that way.
Doc Roberts is a big baseball fan, seemingly, as he has box seats near the field on the third base side, and arranges to have dinner brought to them, field side.
Michelle deems the experience “surreal.”
The two seem to have a pretty easy chemistry with each other, even though Michelle is clearly much younger than the good doctor.
As much as Michael’s whole look honestly unsettles me, Michelle seems very into him so I found myself hoping that these two crazy kids have a future despite myself.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Michael Prozer & Dr. Robert Nettles: post-dates upshot
Patti calls Alanna first, and our gal doesn’t hold back at all: “Michael is disgusting… he peed in front of me. He’s gross!” is how she begins describing her Florida misadventure.
When Patti then calls Michael, he relays that the date went “great.” The conversation gets truly weird at this point, with Michael denying that he did anything wrong. He tells Patti, “You’re really going down the wrong path now,” when Patti scolds him for how he acted. I was therefore happy to see her simply hang up the phone at that point.
Michelle then stops by The Millionaire’s Club office. “I was in heaven,” she tells Patti in crew. Patti notes that “the crock pot is heating up” in their relationship – which is pretty cringe, frankly – but we also learn that Dr. Robert hasn’t yet called Michelle after their date.
When Robbie gets to the office, he lays it out that Michelle is very sweet and “a great catch… but for someone else.” The doc has decided that he wants someone out of college, even though he knew Michelle’s exact situation heading into the date.
“Karma’s gonna kick you in the ass on this one,” Patti tells him.
So it’s a big 0-2 for Patti this time around, or an o-fer as one might say in baseball.
The end of episode credits then tell us: “Dr. Nettles never called Michelle. He is still looking for the perfect woman.” And: “Eventually, Michael called Alanna. She hung up on him.”
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Michael & Dr. Robert”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 2, Episode 9
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
AIR DATE – April 16th, 2009
GOOGLE PLAY DESCRIPTION – Used to taking care of everyone around her, Patti decides to visit a psychic to see what she needs in her own life. Patti has dated her boyfriend for five years, and is seeking advice for her own situation. Back at the office she meets her two millionaire clients. Michael, a 32-year-old single dad of two, is the CEO of a company that founded a Pay Pal system for South America and Europe. Dr. Robert is a 33-year-old facial cosmetic surgeon in Beverly Hills who has a habit of finding flaws in women and changing them.
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV