“I need to help Uri grow some balls.” – Patti Stanger
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Zagros Bigvand & Uri Man: client intros
Chelsea introduces Uri Man, 34, from Boca Raton, Florida, who we learn is seeking Patti Stanger and crew’s help to find a petite Jewish woman.
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Or “spinners,” as Patti puts it, whenever diminutive women are brought up. She then does a spinning motion and explains how spinners “can spin around on your lap” for emphasis.
And in this case, as Chelsea explains, “the shorter the better.”
When we learn that Uri is 5’7” tall, Patti groans, “Oh god, he’s a midget.” And then she adds, “He’ll get what we give him.”
So Patti is just full of wisdom and goodwill early on in this edition of The Millionaire Matchmaker.
In his intro video, Uri tells us that he was born in Israel, brought up in the U.S., and is now a wealthy real estate developer. After Uri talks about how he loves dancing and is also a professor a local university, Patti complains that Uri comes off as meek, mild, and “grandpa-y.”
Destin then introduces Zagros, who is Kurdish Iranian.
“What is this, Palestinian Israeli relations day?” Patti quips, in what might be both one of the lamest jokes of all time that also manages to display a complete lack of understanding of the Middle East in one sentence.
In his intro video, Zagros tells us that he’s “30 years young,” which I must admit is a pet peeve of mine when people use “young” instead of “old.” Zagros lives in Dallas, Texas and is an entrepreneur who identifies as a Kurdish American.
Patti’s take on Zagros: “He’s pretending he’s momma’s boy,” presumably because Zagros had talked about how he cares about his family and what his mother wants for him in a relationship.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Zagros Bigvand & Uri Man: Patti meets the clients
As Uri is on his way into the office, Patti tells the camera, “I need to help Uri grow some balls.”
In a little rock music-backed segment, Uri tells us that he’s working on commercial real estate development called Oz in south Florida that includes hotels and office towers.
Uri tells Patti, Destin, and Chelsea about how he had a serious, long-distance relationship with an Israeli woman for eight months, but that it didn’t work out. Patti asserts the reason for this is that Uri is not a “hunter” who “didn’t cross continents with gold and diamonds to seal the deal.”
Patti then meets Zagros at a restaurant, where we learn that he owns a “free contact management website called Stazzle… that’s the fastest growing contact management system on the Internet.”
I’m not sure if that might have been true in 2009, but Salesforce might want to have a word with Zagros about that assertion, if you know what I’m saying.
Zagros is also really into MMA, has a huge family, and has a mother who is very “protective” of him.
Our guy is looking for a “Victoria’s Secret type of woman.”
Patti’s take on Zagros: he’s “kind of like a weirdo… he is a combination of like Mr. Player and then momma’s boy. He’s sort of a freak.”
It occurs to me that perhaps one of the reasons that Patti is so mean and rude about the people she works with is because she can then label herself a genius, hero, and savior in the cases in which they develop relationships that work out due to her help.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Zagros Bigvand & Uri Man: the recruiting session
Highlights of the recruiting session include:
- Zagros shows up with his mother and a huge entourage from his family to remotely monitor the interviews with the ladies. Patti claims that she didn’t know they were showing up, but “allows it” as long as they are able to stay quiet.
- Stephanie’s caption says that she’s an “unemployed waitress,” and she talks about how she recently quit her job at Hooters and is planning to go back to school.
- Patti tells Mega, an ordained minister, that “you look gay.”
- Uri locks in right away and selects Tatiana – a UCLA graduate who has traveled to Israel and loves to dance – to be his date.
- Zagros’ mom is adamant that her son should date Whitney, a graphic designer that someone else in the family says has “big childbearing hips.” However, Zagros insists that he wants to date Teal, a tall model/actress. Patti is on Zagros’ side, even though she asked Teal during the recruiting session if her dress was actually a t-shirt.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Zagros Bigvand & Uri Man: Uri and Tatiana’s first date
Tatiana meets Uri at a restaurant called Monsoon, which Uri has rented out so that the couple can have a private dance class before eating dinner.
The dance instructor, Paul Barris, gives the two a salsa lesson. Meanwhile, Uri tells the camera that Tatiana is so beautiful that it makes him shy. Also: he’s a little jealous of how much time Paul spends dancing with her during the lesson.
However, when Uri gets the chance to dance with Tatiana after the lesson, his confidence is able to come out a bit more due to his experience in salsa dancing.
The couple is then served enormous amounts of sushi in the dining area. They get along well, though Tatiana expresses some concern to the camera that Uri and his family – who he is very close with – all live in Florida while she is based in Los Angeles.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Zagros Bigvand & Uri Man: Zagros and Teal’s first date
Zagros flies in Teal to meet him via helicopter, and when she lands he says, “Hello gorgeous,” and presents her with a rose. Teal had relayed to the camera that she was understandably nervous about the blind date scenario, but that the greeting and rose “warmed my heart.”
Zagros rented out some kind of lakeside spot for the two of them, and indeed it’s picturesque, but I became somewhat alarmed when he points out a bear swimming nearby them. And by nearby, I mean really nearby. But these two crazy kids did not seem at all concerned, so moving on.
“Isn’t that cute?” Zagros asks her.
A gamekeeper then brings out a monkey for them to say hello to, and after that we see a tiger chained up to a tree with no other visible fencing around it.
It’s about at this point that I’m thinking that we viewing some kind of Tiger King-esque situation at this unnamed location.
And if that’s not enough, another kind of macho game keeper guy walks up to them with a tiger on a chained leash to give the couple some kind of safety talk. During mid-sentence, he’s pulled off his feet by the tiger, who races over to wrestle another nearby tiger.
It’s a hilarious moment, but one that honestly could have easily turned ghastly and gnarly, potentially.
Which is all to say: don’t support illegal zoos or people who keep exotic, illegal pets. It’s not cool, and it’s not worth it.
Anyway, after the lions are chilled out (somehow), the macho guy says to Zagros, “Did we get you, dude?” while laughing, while another young guy says jocularly, “It’s all part of the show!”
After this, the couple lay on the grass by the lake while they chat and sip wine, but I’m super distracted by the fact that a bear is laying down about 10 feet away from them. I don’t know if that bear is declawed or tranquilized or just extremely non-threatening and friendly or what, but it’s incredibly bizarre that we are witnessing this scene in the midst of a reality television show about dating and matchmaking and stuff.
Zagros tells the camera that Teal is beautiful, smart, and funny and feels that his family could end up learning to love her. And likewise, Teal says she feels connected to Zagros, and she likes that he’s very smart.
Back on the helicopter, the two get pretty cozy while telling each other how awesome they believe the other one to be.
“Patti is a genius,” Zagros concludes, before successfully going in for his first kiss with Teal.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Zagros Bigvand & Uri Man: post-dates upshot, part I
Patti and Chelsea call Tatiana, who relays that Uri is “such a good guy.” However, he didn’t try to kiss her, we learn, which reinforces Patti’s belief that he’s “like a little bunny… very sweet, very mild, very passive.”
There’s a weird segue here which involves Patti telling us that she decided to send Zagros, Teal, Uri, and Tatiana all out together on a group second date.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Zagros Bigvand & Uri Man: the group second date
The two couples meet at a classy looking restaurant and share their experiences from their respective first dates. When Uri asks the other couple “how many hours” they have spent together so far, Teal visibly blushes and then relays that she and Zagros have been hanging out a lot. Take from that what you will.
Meanwhile, Zagros and Teal get all kissy face at the table, prompting Uri to tell the camera, “Thanks guys for making out in front of us, you know?”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Zagros Bigvand & Uri Man: post-dates upshot, part II
Uri stops by The Millionaire’s Club office, and the big news is that we learn that he and Tatiana shared their first kiss after the double date.
Uri relays that they are going to continue embarking on a long-distance relationship, and Patti encourages him to fly Tatiana into Boca Raton to spend time with him.
Next up, Teal tells the gang in the office that she feels swept off her feet by Zagros… however, she reveals that they ended up having sex, but it was “horrible” because she “rushed” things. “It was great for him,” she says, but she doesn’t want a guy like that – one who presumably pressured her, it’s implied.
We also learn that Zagros broke Patti’s cardinal rule of having sex before clearly establishing a monogamous relationship. Patti also gives Teal a hard time for telling Zagros that she likes to be “spoiled” with gifts. It’s kind of implied that Zagros might have broken things off based on both of those factors, and a tearful Teal agrees with Patti that she didn’t handle things well.
Patti then calls Zagros, and takes pleasure in telling him that Teal didn’t, uh… take pleasure when they slept together. She then puts them both on the phone in a group conference call. Patti ends up yelling at both of them, referencing things like “Sex 101” and talking about lubrication and stuff… it’s a lot.
“You should have slowed it down and done the courtship,” she concludes.
The end of episode captions then tell us: “Teal and Zagros never saw each other again. Teal is dating others and trying to follow Patti’s guidelines. Zagros is spending some quality time with his mom.” And: “Uri has traveled back to California twice to take Tatiana out. They are still taking it slow.”
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Zagros & Uri”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 2, Episode 10
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
AIR DATE – April 23rd, 2009
GOOGLE PLAY DESCRIPTION – This week Patti meets Uri, a young Israeli-born real estate developer and professional salsa dancer, and Zagros, a Kurdish Iranian entrepreneur. Zagros tells Patti that his family is very important to him and he wants their opinion when it comes to choosing a woman. At a two-way mirror screening session, Zagros surprises everyone when he brings half a dozen family members, including his mother, to help make a decision.
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV