“If I had to choose one body part, whether it’s boobs or butt, definitely a butt man.”- Doug Kepanis
Finally, the train wreck episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker that I’ve been so yearning for!
Check out our full and snark-tastic Millionaire Matchmaker episode guide and updates! Trash and treasure in equal increments, we promise.
But before we get to that, I wanted to mention that one of the reasons that this show works is because it has a predictable format that allows a few things to happen:
- Train wreck misadventures of deluded, egocentric, or crazy (or all three) millionaires looking for love on a reality show
- Patti Stanger gets to snark, whine, pontificate, and beseech the Gods with reference to the above
- And, occasionally, a couple gets together that actually looks like they might have a real relationship in the making
I mention because when the show deviates from this Prime Directive, it can be fairly awkward and wrenching. Take for example the beginning of this week’s episode, when new assistant Andrea is bitched out by Patti for not finding enough hot ladies to stack up for her millionaire clients. Andrea is warned that she must “cut the mustard” or she will be out of The Millionaire’s Club. I felt like there should have been a Sub Plot Alert! banner running at the bottom of the screen, as it was so obvious that the producers were attempting to inject a new element into the mix (and this goes double for the Patti Stanger, Style Mogul segment that fronts every New York City-themed episode this season).
And now, back to this week’s gloriously train wreck-y episode after a couple of weeks of relative calm and hearts and flowers and unicorns.
Let’s start with Doug Kepanis, 38, a divorce attorney from Long Island. He fits the perfect Millionaire Matchmaker profile as a self-important blowhard who wants to believe women swoon when he (literally) takes his shirt off during his video intro to show off his abs and tattoos. Patti Stanger, of course, cuts right to the chase: “His body is so ugly!” Then, Doug opens his mouth and reveals all of the wisdom that life has granted him in revealing, “If I had to choose one body part, whether it’s boobs or butt, definitely a butt man. The sex life has got to be about a nine or a ten.”
Then things get truly deliciously disturbing when the specimen of David Vroubel, 35, a stock broker, shows up. Unlike anyone else who has ever appeared on the show (or in real life, quite frankly), David gives off a supremely creepy vibe that is nearly impossible to fully describe but something any normal human would feel within seconds of taking sight of this man. An almost overly friendly smile, a head tilt, a shiny bald head are all accoutrements to a kind of lazy reptile stare that is seriously unsettling. What’s fascinating is that he manages to snap out of this mode very briefly at a few moments during the episode, but quickly again slides back and you’re left thinking: oh, there it is.
David is in such bad/creepy shape that Patti goes so far to put an earpiece in his ear during the standard mixer session so that she can play “god” and (loudly/bluntly) whisper such things as, “What are you doing, talk to her!” Later, Destin checked in with the apt, “Dave, stop being creepy.” Somehow, David found a girl actually willing to go out on a date with him in Ileen, a nursery school teacher “…who has sweet things that I love about my mom,” David adds. I must add though that the best / creepiest line that I’ve heard on television in a long time comes when Ileen enters for her mini-date with David and the latter awkwardly asks, “So, have we started?” Meanwhile, Doug’s sailing couldn’t be smoother in comparison as he cruises the crowd of ladies before selecting Israeli-born professional dancer Keren. However, his shtick is to go first and second with sex talk, which turns Patti’s stomach. “How important in a relationship to you is sex?” he opens with, followed by, “That’s like some side boob, right?” and “Do you have a naughty side to you?” to his other mini-date, Nelly.
Staying with Doug, his plans with Keren included going to a spa followed by dinner. “It’s a clothing optional date,” he tells her charmingly. Keren is not amused, and shortly after they hit the hot tub (Doug is a self-professed Butt Man, let’s remember) she calls the date “perverted.” By the time they get to dinner, things are going better. The couple in fact seems to have something like a normal first date flirty / get to know you thing going on, and Doug looks intrigued enough with Keren to keep his most blow hardy instincts in check.
Now, David and Ileen’s date is another entity entirely. David’s first terrible move (beyond his unshakable creepitude) is to take Ileen for a stroll through Grand Central Station with the destination of shopping at the famous transportation center’s upscale market. Ileen gets snarky from the jump. “I’ve never been on a date like this before,” she says. “It’s the start of the date,” David replies. “It gets better?” Ileen then proceeds to buy up half the dessert counter when David suggests they should buy a treat for later. I couldn’t help but think that this woman went from demure school teacher to freaky gold digger in record time, though perhaps she was simply looking to load up on goodies as she had a sense that she would not be eating dinner.
Things look up for a second when David unveils a private table with a custom menu at a tony restaurant. But then the first course turns out to be an Uni (sea urchin) shooter. Not good. Followed by a fermented duck embryo. “You’re gonna eat embryo? Embryo’s a baby,” says teacher Ileen, as though to a (creepy) nursery school student. Things nosedive into Super Creepy Level 51 territory when David demands that she join him in the Uni shooter, intoning that, “You can and you will.” It says it all as we cut to interview mode and Ileen says, “When he was looking at me at dinner, his eyes were like Serial Killer.” And, finally: “I’d rather today have been at work with like 22 childrens with dirty diapers then to be on this date eating an embryo with David.”
David, it seems, was looking to “test” Ileen in multiple areas, and in his view she failed. When Patti calls Ileen later to find out how the date went, she unloads on Patti and Destin, calling David creepy, cheap, unattractive, pretentious, and on and on. When David shows up at the Matchmaking office, David whines, “I came here to find love and that’s what you give me?” Patti fires back, “Oh get the f— out of here!” They then proceed to boot him out of the office and the club. And so ends one of the great train wreck moments in Millionaire Matchmaker history.
More thoughts on this edition of The Millionaire Matchmaker:
- Is it just me or do you get slightly uncomfortable when Patti says “va va voom”?
- What’s up with the way these women spell their names? Keren, Ileen…
- Ileen claims that she has never been to Grand Central Station and that she lives in New York. Uh… what?”
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Divorced From Reality”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 4, Episode 8
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Doug Kepanis, David Vroubel
This review was originally published on TV Geek Army.