“Snip, snip, snip. Off go the balls.” – Patti
Patti Stanger gets together with her parents in what’s something like a cold opening to The Millionaire Matchmaker. We learn that they bumped into Tori Spelling, and that they’re sometimes (often?) embarrassed by their daughter. “You mean when I say, ‘The penis does the picking?’” Patti asks.
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And boom, we’re off and running now that we got the first penis reference out of the way!
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “House of Cards”: the clients and intro videos
The first client on deck (see what I did there?) is Beth Shak, a professional poker player. Rachel says that she’s cute, and “she has boobs to here,” indicating… well, you know, indicating. But, when it comes to picking men, the gambling hasn’t paid off all that well, so to speak.
Beth introduces herself via video by telling us she has homes in New York and Philadelphia, and has a “fabulous shoe collection.” She’s divorced after 12 years of marriage, has kids, and is seeking a relationship that fits in with her new life. I’ll add that Beth has a particularly whiny voice. That could just be this writer’s opinion, but there you go.
Patti wants Beth to “put the wallet away” in her relationships and “let the man sweep her off her feet.”
“Otherwise, snip, snip, snip. Off go the balls,” she adds with relation to the danger of the men in Beth’s relationships feeling emasculated, I guess?”
The other client is Sean Hull, who is “basically a misogynist,” Destin tells us. “He thinks every woman loves him and should serve him.” And he also “loves Asians and Islanders.”
No word on whether he has an affinity for any other NHL teams from the Metropolitan division.
We see Sean via video, and he’s wearing a black shirt, red tie, and has earrings. He tells us that he lives in Union Square and is an “Internet entrepreneur” worth $1.5 million.
“What’s with the earrings?” Patti asks. “Pick a side!”
Then Sean really gets into it: “There’s $2 ho’s, and then there’s $20 ho’s. When I first meet a woman, I want to feel like she’s a $2 ho.” So this guy is a real bargain hunter when it comes to… sigh… oh, never mind, let’s move on. Sean adds that Asian women “really know who’s boss.”
A scholar and a gentleman, this Sean Hull is not.
“Everybody deserves a chance at love,” Destin insists, in perhaps the most wildly ludicrous statement ever uttered on The Millionaire Matchmaker. Patti for her part aligns Sean with someone in a horror movie who has “turned to the dark side” and needs a priest to perform an exorcism.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “House of Cards”: Patti meets the clients
Patti heads across town to meet “Sean the misogynist,” driven as ever by Deshawne. Deshawne feels that Sean needs to be “broken” in order to reform his ways.
Sean tells us that he’s a “software consultant… basically an Internet entrepreneur.”
Okay, whoa whoa whoa, stop the record. Take a breath, everyone. Let’s take a moment out here to examine this last statement from Sean.
A “consultant” is someone who is paid by a company to provide a service. A “consultant,” thus, “consults.” Makes sense, right? And then an “entrepreneur” is someone who founds and runs a company or companies. So consulting and entrepreneurship are two different things, yes? So in no way at all – and we’re talking zero percent here – is a “software consultant… basically an Internet entrepreneur,” unless that consultant is also an entrepreneur.
Beyond Sean’s misogyny, he also appears to have a compulsion to – as my dear old stepdad would say – lie like a rug.
Sean goes on to let us know that he demands a woman who will remain in shape and beautiful “forever” and that he desires to replace “his Thai masseuse for a wife” (yes, he really says this), but I’m still reeling from the “consulting is basically entrepreneurship” talk.
But then again, I’m a guy. Which is all to say: this Sean Hull is a lot, people.
Patti throws down with Sean, telling him that he’s short and bald, “so why should women want you?” She then literally requests that he measure his penis.
Sean counters with requesting that Patti bring on the “hot bitches.” Instead, Patti says that he needs to talk to one of her life coaches.
Beth, who Patti says has “mommy issues,” stops by the Millionaire’s Club office. Beth heavily emphasizes that honesty and loyalty are important to her – even more than the specific physical attributes of her partner – as she’s been hurt, neglected, and cheated on in the past. This is one of the healthiest requests from one of Patti’s clients that I’ve seen… and it makes sense that it comes from a female client.
Patti brings in Cooper Lawrence, a therapist and sex expert, to meet with Sean. Weirdly, Patti and Destin are also part of the conversation. Sean is mostly still combative and creepy, but Lawrence tells him that he needs to open up and be vulnerable. Sean calls the advice “hocus pocus,” but says he’ll try.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “House of Cards”: the recruiting session
Momma and poppa Stanger sit in with Patti, Rachel, and Destin on the recruiting sesh. We learn that mom was a matchmaker back in the day as well.
And I’m also reminded that this is the part of the episode when Patti berates Andreea, the office intern. In fact, Patti melts down on Rachel about Andreea this time around: “Unless you train her ass, she’s fired. I already gave her a frickin’ warning!” She adds: “I don’t care that she’s pretty.”
We also randomly learn that Patti used to date actor (and crackpot) Randy Quaid “for five minutes, when he was normal.” And also: “Best oral sex I ever had,” she tells her mom.
The rest of the recruiting session isn’t that noteworthy. Patti seeks out “strong Asian women” for Sean, and I generally felt bad for any that Patti liked, knowing what could be in store for them. And for Beth, the idea was to find successful, secure men, who would be loyal and caring to Beth and, ideally, “put her on a pedestal.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “House of Cards”: the mixer
The mixer is a “mixology mixer,” an “intimate mixer” that seems designed to limit the psychic damage that Sean could potentially unleash in a short amount of time.
Patti explains to Sean and Beth that instead of letting a “pack of wolves” devour them at a mixer (like, for example, what happens on most episodes of TMM), they are going to engage with four selected potential dates apiece.
And instead of saying her trademark, “Meet my millionaires!” Patti says, “Let’s make some cocktails!” The idea of the “mixology mixer” being that each potential date will make a cocktail in tandem with Beth and Sean while they get to know one another.
Beth enjoyed meeting Ray, a president of a marketing firm, and Charlie, who has two older kids and is in mergers and acquisitions, the most. Patti pushes for Ray, who is “more of a man’s man,” and Beth agrees. Beth also likes that they have being involved in charity work in common, in addition to a passion for shoes (or at least so Ray says).
Carolyn, one of Sean’s potential dates, quickly picks up on the fact that Sean has a “creepy Asian fetish.” Emphasis on creepy. Allison puts Tabasco sauce in her cocktail, causing Sean to hack. This may have been Sean’s best moment thus far. He also complains in a confessional interview about the “vulnerability nonsense” that Patti is trying to get him to do. Like, you know, sharing stuff about himself that’s real and not a creepy shtick.
Sean likes Conquela, a model from Brooklyn, Allison, an associate producer in TV, and Thea, but goes with Allison for the “master date.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “House of Cards”: Beth and Ray’s first date
Patti had advised that Ray should plan the date, but instead Beth “surprises Ray with a jet trip to the Borgata” casino in Atlantic City. Also, strangely, she invites her friend Jason – a big strapping dude who is also her makeup artist – on the date.
Ray says that he has never been on a date where someone “surprisingly brings a friend.” Beth says in a confessional that Jason is good at “spotting the losers.”
Meanwhile, on the flight, Ray attempts to tell Beth about himself, but she quickly segues into telling him that her kids tell her that she should marry Jason. And Jason for his part seems pleased about this. Over the entire trip, Beth seems to talk to Jason more than to Ray. At one point she tells him, “You’re hot and you have quite the package.”
The couple finally gets alone time at dinner, and I’m distracted in thinking that the only reason why they took an entire private jet flight to AC is for some name dropping/product placement for the Borgata casino.
Beth keeps saying how “nice” Ray but isn’t sure she feels a “spark” with him.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “House of Cards”: Sean and Allison’s first date
Sean picks Allison up in a limo for a date of dinner and drinks, and immediately says that he hopes that she wears a “skirt a little bit shorter than last time.”
Drinks are at a place in Manhattan on East 9th Street called Robataya. For the second episode in a row, sake drinks are on tap, though this time no sake bombs though. Meanwhile, Sean “teases” Allison that he thought she was a “bimbo” when she put Tabasco sauce in his cocktail at the mixer.
Dinner then moves over to an Italian restaurant, and the conversation moves onto tattoos. However, Allison can’t let the “bimbo comment” go, which is nine thousand percent understandable. This finally prompts Sean to get slightly “vulnerable,” telling her that his one significant past girlfriend cheated on him with a friend of his.
Somehow, inexplicably, Allison winds up thinking that Sean is cute and that “opposites attract.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “House of Cards”: post-dates upshot
Sean meets with Patti at the office. After relating his version of what happened, Patti feels that he showed “real progress” by following his “homework assignment” in revealing something vulnerable from his past with Allison.
I have to say I’m skeptical that Sean’s cheating story is even real, but some questions such as this will remain mysterious evermore.
Patti then calls Ray, who relays his “surprise” that Jason joined them for “most of the date.” Back in the office, Beth calls the date “amazing” but isn’t sure if there’s chemistry with Ray. Patti then gets into “juicy goosy” talk with regard to Beth planning the date and not “letting the man be the man,” or some such. She adds that “men don’t want to f— their mommies.”
The end of episode captions tell us: “Sean and Allison didn’t go out again. But using Patti’s guidance, he’s ready to leave Bimbo-ville and move into Wifey-town.” And: “Beth decided to fold on Ray. But with Jason by her side, she continues looking for her ‘Ace of Spades.’”
Take it away, Motörhead.
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “House of Cards”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 4, Episode 4
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
AIR DATE – November 9th, 2010
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Beth Shak, Sean Hull
NETFLIX DESCRIPTION – Is love finally in the cards for a star poker player with a habit of spoiling men? Can Patti reform a perennially single man with unusual priorities?