“I am an artiste. I hope you like it hot.” – Daniel Maltzman
Dave of “Dave/Harold” fame a.k.a “Sex Toy Dave” fame stops by The Millionaire’s Club, whereupon Patti Stanger offers up a litany of strange metaphors, such as, “One problem you have is you like to put the dish of cheese out and let the mice come and eat it.”
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This translates (to Patti) as to how Dave knows that women like him. Or something.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Daniel Maltzman & Chris Palzis: client intros
First up is Daniel Maltzman, 45, who tells us via video intro segment that he is a professional artiste who “happened to grow up in Beverly Hill.”
Daniel then quickly segues into talking about all of the “affluent” people he knows at his golf club and that he gave Paris Hilton an original painting that he created for her birthday.
Patti deems Daniel a “typical 90210 high school, mom and dad paid his bills, he didn’t really have to work very hard in his life so he could pursue art.”
“Nobody likes a brag-asaurus,” she concludes.
Then we have Chris Palzis, 39, who is from Honolulu, Hawaii and is seemingly the most unlikely millionaire children’s author you could possibly imagine. It’s unclear how he actually made his “low end” millionaire money, but we do know he’s looking for a woman in her 20s with a “flawless, gorgeous” body and face.
Chris also maintains that while he’s “open to the process,” he absolutely refuses to date someone his own age.
Patti calls Chris out for being narcissistic and shallow. I always wonder at this stage of a Millionaire Matchmaker episode how Patti feels about trash talking her own clients on a reality TV show. And then I seriously consider whether there are worthier things that I could spend my time thinking about during my time on this planet, you know?
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Daniel Maltzman & Chris Palzis: Patti meets the clients
After all of that, we also hear Chris say that “he is not impressed by materialistic things.” He’s talking about clothing and cars but… I think you can connect the dots on why that statement is funny, or ironic, or whatever.
It’s also flat out hilarious when we see Chris reading a children’s book called The Good Manners Club to a group of toddlers at a bookstore in his drawl-y SoCal surfer accent.
When Patti shows up at Chris’ condo, her first impression is that she’s not impressed. And it’s easy to see why: this place is very modest-to-low budget versus most of her client’s palatial-ish homes.
Patti confronts Chris about his “ageism,” and this is an example where Patti’s bluntness works for her because she’s of course totally correct here. When Chris defends himself by saying, “I know what works for me,” Patti counters that it isn’t working because he ain’t married yet.
Patti says that she’s going to have a mix of ages at the mixer and makes Chris commit to not asking anyone he meets there about their age.
On the way over to meet Daniel, Patti calls him a “fame whore,” and that she could “care less” about hearing “50 million stories” about being besties with Paris Hilton.
The best part about the little sequence we see of Daniel blabbing about the artist’s life in Beverly Hills is that we see with a sweatband playing tennis, and with his long shaggy hair he looks like he could be cast in The Royal Tenenbaums.
At Daniel’s house – which is millionaire-sized, shall we say – Patti softens her language slightly and calls him a fame chaser, and it’s as hilarious as it is revealing of the L.A. lifestyle when Daniel talks about how it’s important to “get your name out there… as an Andy Warhol-esque socialite.”
When Patti strongly advises Daniel to stop name dropping celebrities, he immediately goes back to talking about “Britney” and how he gave Paris Hilton one of his paintings for her birthday.
Meanwhile, we learn that Daniel is looking for a “down to Earth” Cameron Diaz type to be his soul mate.
Patti’s advice to Daniel: don’t brag a lot and stop name dropping.
At the end of the segment, Daniel tells the camera that “I tend to do very well with women.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Daniel Maltzman & Chris Palzis: the recruiting session and mixer
Highlights of the recruiting session include:
- Patti tells Shannon, a real estate agent, that she needs a makeover because “your hair is totally fried” but adds, “You have a pretty face.”
- Britten, a fashion stylist, is ordered by Patti to get a picture of Cameron Diaz so she can emulate the actresses’ vibe at the mixer. She’s also told, “Those chachke beads have to go away.”
- Patti is disappointed in the crop of recruits overall, so she berates her staffers a bit and then makes a bunch of phone calls.
We then cut to Chris meeting with Mitch Newman, a relationship coach, and we get the same whole story from Chris about “older” women in their 30s aren’t likely to keep up with his “active lifestyle” and are more likely to have “assumed baggage” versus the 20-something ladies.
At the mixer, Chris focused on age while Daniel still name dropped, so as expected there. The “smaller” mixer focused on two abutting tables – one featuring each of Patti’s clients – and what was noticeable how bummed out a woman would get when Daniel/Chris would shift focus from them to another woman. This is completely understandable, of course, and speaks to how bizarre the nature of these meat market-style mixers are on The Millionaire Matchmaker.
For the mini-date round, Chris selects Yvonne – a yoga teacher from Minnesota – and Nicolina, a jewelry designer, or the “brunette bandwagon” as Patti puts it. Patti is also delighted and thrilled that Chris landed on two 30+ women. And Daniel ends up going with Jessica and Lauren, “complete opposites” in Patti’s view.
When Chris learns that Yvonne surfs, it’s pretty insulting when he asks, “By yourself?” But she seems to take it in stride. And then with Daniel, he smarmily asks Jessica, who works in PR, “I take it you roll with the high rollers?” It seems that Patti is right that Daniel is a fame… and use whatever word you’d like next.
For the full-blown master date, Daniel picks Lauren, and this time Patti is somewhat insulting in referring to her as a “blank canvas” that artiste Daniel wants to work with, while Chris locks in on Yvonne because of her “sarcastic, flippant” sense of humor.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Daniel Maltzman & Chris Palzis: Chris and Yvonne’s first date
Against Patti’s strong advice, Chris has Yvonne meet him at the beach for a surfing date.
It’s hilarious when we get Chris saying beachside that “the waves seem a little bigger than anticipated but Yvonne seems she’s like a real gamer.”
After a round of surfing – where indeed Yvonne can surf all by herself, as she told Chris earlier – Chris gives himself a massive pat on the back for making sure the experience was all about her and that “Yvonne had a blast.”
Yvonne tells the camera that there’s “a lot of laughter and chemistry and that sort of thing” of the date midway through.
Lunch is at a cliffside spot, and Chris compliments Yvonne for “not taking two hours to get ready” after surfing. Then he gives her a gift for her niece of the children’s book series that he wrote.
Chris reveals that Patti pegged him as an “ageist” and sent him to a relationship expert and then sort of fishes a bit to see if Yvonne will tell him how old she is, but she doesn’t bite thankfully.
“To the best date ever,” she says, making a toast.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Daniel Maltzman & Chris Palzis: Daniel and Lauren’s first date
Daniel meets Lauren at an upscale restaurant called Dolce and then says, “Tell me a little more of what more I need to know about Lauren.”
Which… I don’t know, it’s creepy and smarmy to me and now I want Lauren, who seems lovely, to not walk but run away. But who knows in which dark dank (smarmy) corners love lurks, I guess?
“I don’t think we have chemistry, I know we have chemistry,” he soon tells the camera.
I then physically recoiled when Daniel stands up, moves around the table, and insists on feeding her the “first bite” of food from her plate.
“I am an artiste,” he says. “I hope you like it hot.”
A limo ride to Daniel’s studio later, the artiste announces, “A surprise is coming,” in a singsong voice.
In the slasher movie here, you could guess what’s coming, but this is a dating show. I think.
When the “special gift” is unveiled, it’s a full-size portrait of Lauren. I mean, it’s clear that Daniel has some level of talent – although it does kind of look more like Sarah Michelle Gellar than Lauren – and it is a nice gesture, but I personally am just completely creeped out by Daniel at this point.
Lauren loves it though, saying to the camera it took her breath away and it’s the “perfect ending” to the date.
When Lauren thanks Daniel, he slowly pets her hair as if she’s a prized possession or a most especial piece of art that the artiste most treasures.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Daniel Maltzman & Chris Palzis: post-dates upshot
Lauren stops by The Millionaire’s Club office, who speaks of the painting as “the best thing in the world.” Patti strongly advises that in return, Lauren should make Daniel dinner or do something romantic for him.
Later, Daniel tells Patti and crew that the date was great, but when Patti asks is he’s going to “continue to date her,” he leans back in his chair and says (smarmily), “We’ll hang out.”
Patti translates this as Daniel being head over heels but playing it cool.
Yvonne tells Patti that she loved the surfing date and is into Chris, but he hasn’t yet asked her out again (though he has called her a few times since the date, apparently).
We also get the reveal that Yvonne is 35 years old, though she says that Chris does not yet know this at this point.
Patti’s assessment: Chris has put Yvonne in the friend zone.
Chris then heads down to the office, and he says that he hasn’t yet asked Yvonne out again because he’s been “inundated with work.” Patti quickly cuts him and presses him on why he’s not interested in pursuing a relationship with her, and it’s clear that the Age Thing is the first and foremost reason – even if Chris doesn’t know the exact number.
“I definitely feel a friendship,” Chris maintains.
The end of episode credits then tell us: “Although Chris insisted Yvonne’s age wasn’t an issue, they never went out on a second date.” And: “Daniel and Lauren consider their first date to be a masterpiece. They continue to see one another.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Daniel Maltzman & Chris Palzis: where are they now?
Daniel Maltzman has a Wikipedia page, and I skipped over the art-related stuff to note that he’s appeared on other reality TV shows such as Dog Whisperer, The Real Housewives of Orange County, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and Rich Kids of Beverly Hills.
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Daniel & Chris”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 2, Episode 5
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
AIR DATE – March 12th, 2009
GOOGLE PLAY DESCRIPTION – Patti turns her attention towards two new millionaire clients — Daniel, a celebrity artist whose works are sold in the range of $15 to $20k a piece, and Chris, a mellow surfer who grew up in Hawaii and doesn’t care about money or status just as long as a good wave is about to break. On opposite sides of the spectrum, Daniel grew up in Beverly Hills and has been immersed in LA’s celebrity culture his whole life; whereas Chris is the author of a line of children’s books called the Goodness Gracious Club, and although he’s about to turn 40, has only dated women in their early 20’s. After meeting both millionaires, Patti feels that Chris would benefit from dating a women closer to his own age and Daniel needs to stop with the incessant name-dropping and date a girl who isn’t impressed by who’s walking down the red carpet in front of them.
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV