“I am a lawman on a mission from God against felons.” – Duane “Dog” Chapman, a.k.a. Dog the Bounty Hunter
My first exposure to Dog the Bounty Hunter back in the day came by way of it being brilliantly satirized on South Park.
Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and crew made the reality series – about a tough talking yet Christian-y bounty hunting family in Hawaii – seem so off the wall that I couldn’t believe that the actual show could be anything close to it.
So I decided to go back to the very beginning to the Dog the Bounty Hunter series premiere, “Meet the Chapmans,” to find out for myself.
“A bounty hunter is not a sworn in law official,” Duane “Dog” Chapman, a.k.a. Dog the Bounty Hunter, tells us from the weights area of a gym. “But I am on that totem pole.”
He does not define what the “totem pole” means, nor does he address what he’s allowed to do that other non-sworn in law officials are not allowed to do under the law.
Dog then completely contradicts himself by saying, “I am a lawman on a mission from God against felons.”
All of this equals up to me enjoying this deeply trashy poor man’s Cops already.
During a quick montage we also see:
- Dog tells some dude that “I’m a tough guy, you’re not!”
- Dog calls his gun, “Beth.” It seems that our guy is a superfan of Full Metal Jacket, perhaps. Dog’s wife is also named Beth, so… I’m not sure what this is about, honestly.
- Beth (the wife, not the gun) adds: “What makes Dog a good hunter is that his children are basically riding on every single bounty.”
- Also, we get Dog saying brah for the first of many times.
We get to spend some time seeing what’s going on at the Chapman home, and it’s a normal chaotic family scene with little kids running around and such. Beth Chapman takes a call, and then tells the camera that the kids are used to business interlacing with everyday life, seven days a week.
The thing that kept distracting me is that there are these small black mats placed at intervals throughout the carpeted house. It’s unclear if they’re being used to protect parts of the carpet – which would be pretty odd – or if they’re being used for some kid’s game that we’re not made aware of.
It’s also clear that the walls of the house look beat up and in need of repair in many places. This is only noteworthy because outside of some Hoarders situation, reality TV docuseries typically feature well-appointed, classy, and immaculate homes.
“Whose life are we gonna ruin today?” Dog says, smiling, before we’re whisked away to the office, which is Da Kine Bail Bonds.
Beth points to a wall of wanted print outs and says, “All of these people represent a significant amount of money. We post bond and guarantee that all of these people will show up for trial. If they do not, we could lose all that money, and the kids don’t eat.”
“And that’s where big daddy comes in,” she adds.
Then the captions tell us that we our first work-related situation going on:
- Wanted: Floyd Chapman
- Charge: Escape – 2nd Deg.
- Warrant: Failure to Appear in Court
The Chapmans get all insulted that a fellow “Chapman” is on the loose and get to the business of hunting him down.
On a more serious note, we learn that he’s “a felon known to have a weapon.”
A plan develops to work through Floyd’s parents to get their son. We then see Dog “playing the fool” on the phone, as Beth puts it, to try and get Floyd’s mom to give up information on the kid’s whereabouts.
It’s around at this point that I noticed that Dog is wearing a kind of sheer and mesh black top that would not at all be out of place at some happening clubs and discotheques of some era or another.
Dog leads his crew in a prayer circle before announcing that they’re going after the “scumbag” who’s on the loose. In the parking lot, Dog demonstrates how he uses his can of Mace “like a .45 pistol.”
In the car on the way over, Dog turns up the metal on the stereo, which only adds to the weirdness of the scene as we see two vans rolling through the Hawaii countryside. Meanwhile, Dog and Beth bicker at each other because Beth is on the phone in the car she’s driving while Dog is trying to ask her for the bail bonds paperwork (or something).
As Dog and crew roll up to the girlfriend’s apartment complex, I realized that the crew is dressed up in a way that they look like they’re ready to either play paintball or perhaps attend a Kid Rock concert (or both?).
Anyway, they catch Floyd very quickly and also call out the girlfriend for “aiding and abetting.” This leads to Beth – who, by the way, has been dressed up in an American flag-centric outfit – yelling at a bunch of people for being liars.
“You’re going to a hotel without a window,” Dog announces to Floyd after letting him know he’s been apprehended by “the original D-O-G.”
Dog also triumphantly tells Floyd, “In the words of Donald Trump, convict you’re fired!”
Then Dog transitions into his self-appointed Christian leadership-type role, telling Floyd, “Thank God we caught you in time,” while adding back in that as a fellow Chapman he wants to help him.
Dog introduces his sons Tim and Leland to Floyd and offers their captive a cigarette for good nature. Sidenote here that Dog refers to someone as “Youngblood” throughout the episode, but it’s possible that this is his nickname for anyone younger than him.
Dog then tries to empathize with Floyd and reveals that he was a criminal – a “sergeant of arms of a motorcycle gang,” in fact – and that “we robbed, we pillaged, we did everything.” He also said that he was convicted of “murder one” that he did 18 months for in Texas. It’s left unclear how Dog got out of prison after that short a stretch after being convicted of murder.
Before depositing him at the jailhouse, they give Floyd another ciggie and give him some loose cash as well before sending him on his way. They tell Floyd that they’re “only doing this” because he’s a fellow Chapman.
And then after a day of work, it’s time for the Family Chapman to hit the beach. Dog speaks of “the water, the ocean, the children at play,” and speaks of the presence of god.
Just another day in the life of Dog the Bounty Hunter and the Chapman’s, I suppose.