“The Botox b—- is back.” – Patti
Andrew Stern, Patti Stanger’s “project for the last year,” stops by The Millionaire’s Club with his fiancé, Katie. This is the show’s version of “where are they now” meets boy makes good tale. Patti takes credit that he learned “how to fish” and “graduated from boot camp.”
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“You, man, are a hunter, a supreme hunter,” she proclaims.
It occurs to me that Patti’s methodology of tough love with the goal of shaping up her clients to get married off is not unlike Gordon Ramsay’s from Kitchen Nightmares, except she’s even more volatile and mercurial. And, let’s face it, trash-tastically entertaining.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Shauna & Michael”: the clients (Shauna edition)
Later, Patti tells the office gang that she doesn’t want “pain in the ass” female clients. There’s only room for one of those in her relationship dynamics, I’d wager.
Destin then drops the Big Reveal: he’s brought back “cold hearted, very angry” Shauna into The Millionaire’s Club fold. Patti retorts that Shauna doesn’t like, trust, or respect her. To punctuate this, in a flashback we see Shauna calling Patti a “f—ing b—-.” You do the math.
Speaking of, Destin’s rationale for bringing Shauna back in: “money’s money.” Hard to argue with that.
“The Botox b—- is back,” Patti declares.
We then learn that Shauna Raisch is 42-years-old, from Minneapolis, Minnesota, and owns a salon and spa. She’s still unlucky in love and looking for Mr. Big*.
* No word on Chris Noth’s response to Shauna’s journey of discovery as of this writing, I’m afraid.
Shauna stops by the office and Patti practically spits, “Why did you want me this time around?” Shauna explains that she wants to do it “Patti’s way” this time. She’s tired of “turning the woman into the man” in terms of the dynamic of dating younger men with less money than her. Patti says that the “sugar momma thing” ain’t gonna work.
Shauna tells Patti to both shut up and to zip it*, and Patti declares that she’s done.
* No word on Dr. Evil’s response to Shauna’s journey of discovery as of this writing, I’m afraid.
Patti takes Shauna’s outburst surprisingly well… oh, you expected a different reaction? Let me check my notes: yes, you are correct, actually. Patti fires back that no one speaks to her that way in her “house,” and by “house” she seems to be referring to The Millionaire’s Club office. Maybe she lives there?
They both suddenly calm down – or by “suddenly” the magic of reality television editing kicks in – and Patti offers an olive branch in the form of finding Shauna “a guy, like, who’s fresh off the golf course or off the yacht.”
Ladies, Patti is the keeper of the Fresh Off the Golf Course or Yacht Guys, if you’re interested! And for a sweetener, Patti offers that everyone in LA is both gorgeous and has “got Botox like you.” It’s a service that sells itself, people.
Then in a confessional, Patti blasts Shauna, calling her Botox work “a hurricane five face lift.” Oh, and she’s scared of staring into her eyes as well. A Medusa reference, perhaps?
Patti then tells Shauna that she’s “not feminine enough” and needs to visit Dr. Mercy, who is “good at releasing the feminine energy so that you shift to find the right guy.”
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Shauna & Michael”: Patti meets the clients (Michael edition)
Things finally move over to the gang taking up the case of Michael Persall, a 30-year-old guy. Patti rejoices with, “Thank God. He’s male and he has a penis.” And as bonus, he’s heralded as both tall and hot.
While Patti is on her way to meet Michael, we learn that he’s a CPA and then “got into the family construction business.” He’s also into cars and surfing and yoga.
Patti asks Michael what his “secret” is and I have a feeling she’s asking how he got to be so good looking, but he replies that he studied accounting in college. In confessional interview, Patti seems downright smitten, going on about how hot Michael is, “but he just doesn’t know it.” “Very non-indigenous to this area known as Los Angeles,” sociologist scholar Patti adds.
Michael is looking for an athletic woman, and his answer to, “Boobs or no boobs?” from Patti is in the affirmative.
Michael’s “problem” that needs to get fixed is supposed to be how shy he is, but he doesn’t appear to be shy at all. Well, maybe compared to Patti’s bare knuckle-style bruiser level personality, but not at all on the Spectrum of Normalcy.
Patti says she’ll set up a special recruiting sesh to find the lady of his desires, but warns that “cougar crazy” Shauna may try to hit on him during the process.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Shauna & Michael”: life coach session (Shauna edition)
Shauna meets with Mercy Cole, PhD, “relationship specialist.” She tells Shauna to be more feminine or some such by getting out of her head and “feeling it.”
Shauna isn’t feeling it, though. She wants to find a guy, not get psychoanalyzed.
Patti concludes that she has to “snip the penis off to find the vagina.”
Thank you, Dr. Stanger.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Shauna & Michael”: the recruiting session
The recruiting session is “very special” this week: they’re going with the “two-way mirror*.”
At first, I took it that it would be Mad Men-style in that the millionaires get to watch the ladies in secret, hoping that one will miraculously talk about a “basket full of kisses.” But instead, Patti and her office staffers are the ones who get to sit and watch in secret.
* The “two-way mirror” turns out to be a TINY video monitor in a small office, which is pretty hilarious.
Michael and Shauna are invited to sit on a big couch and enjoy some wine before the session starts. This is a set-up to see if Shauna will hit on Michael. This turns out to be more or less correct, but it seems this in no way will help either of her clients find someone to have a relationship with.
Then finally, the millionaires are allowed into the tiny office with the video monitor while Patti, Destin, and Chelsea interview the dating candidates… just like on most other episodes of The Millionaire Matchmaker.
Michael ends up being a fan of:
- Mindy, 28, a high school teacher who is into yoga and surfing.
- Natasha, 22, who owns a private swim instruction company that she started when she was 18. The gang questions her assertion that she has 34 D boobs and demands that she take off her jacket. She does, and they are impressed with the results.
Patti really wants to push Shauna to date someone “older,” and Shauna is repulsed by the first white haired dude that’s brought in. And then after she doesn’t like a half dozen other guys either, she declares, “I’m gonna die alone.”
Marc is a sharp-looking guy with salt and pepper hair who is heralded as having once dated Heidi Klum. He’s also financially independent and… seems too good for Shauna, frankly. Zack is a younger, shredded dude who Shauna is bedazzled by, whereas Marc seems boring to her.
In consultation with the crack TMM team, Shauna reluctantly decides to go out on a date with “the older guy,” Marc.
This is an unusual episode in that the Big First Date will be completely blind versus the typical deal where, you know, the millionaires actually meet and interact with people to see if there’s chemistry and stuff.
But what do I know?
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Shauna & Michael”: Michael & Natasha’s first date
Michael meets Natasha at the beach, but the big thing I’m wondering about is that we didn’t see him choose (or meet) his potential date, as happens on most episodes. The editing on this one is pretty weird. But… so is the overall show (but, you know, fun!), so let’s roll with it.
Some kayaking and dinner is in the offing for these two who are, I’ll say, both above average attractive for this particular program. Michael likes how outgoing Natasha is from the jump, and they enjoy a spectacular-looking day out on the arena.
The couple grabs a meal, and Natasha reveals that she’s into freestyle rapping. On the spot, she takes the suggestion of “kayaking” and does a… well, not a great rap, but a half-decent one. Michael is slightly weirded out by it, and he’s starting to think that she’s perhaps what the kids would call a bit extra.
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Shauna & Michael”: Shauna & Marc’s first “date”
Before The Big Date, Marc sends Shauna a gift of a nightgown as a romantic gesture, along with a card. Shauna doesn’t like the “red dress, or something like that,” and says she’ll have to work on him about “fashion choices.”
She advises the fellas not to buy clothes for women if you don’t know them, and I have to heartily agree with her here.
Marc appears with the intention to head off to Spago’s. The second they meet in person for the first time, something super freaky weird happens, and it seems like Shauna glitches out and retreats back into the hotel she’s staying at. The heel breaks off of a shoe as she retreats, and she starts ranting about how she can’t date “that guy” who is “older than her grandpa.” Let’s recall that she had just seen this dude through two-way glass.
“How can she set me up to look like an idiot?” she goes on. “That guy’s 100!”
Marc is surprisingly chill about it. “I don’t think this is gonna happen,” he tells the camera.
Later, a calmer Shauna explains that she wasn’t feeling Marc’s energy, and that leaving him “kind of felt like leaving your fiancé at the altar.” If your fiancé was someone you had never once met in person before and you ended up super hating even though you agreed to go out with them, or something, I guess.
But what do I know?
The Millionaire Matchmaker, “Shauna & Michael”: post-dates upshot
Shauna calls Patti, and they predictably have a huge argument. “You’re not all that, that’s why you’re single,” Patti tells her.
And: “Cut your penis off, open your vagina!”
Shauna says goodbye and hangs up. Except she doesn’t actually say goodbye.
Patti then calls Natasha, and she tells her that while the date with Michael went well and that he gave her a kiss on the cheek, he hasn’t called her since.
“Mr. Shy Boy can’t man up,” Patti concludes, and then further asserts that maybe he’s “latent gay.”
I’m gonna step in right there and say, all kidding aside, that that’s one of the most hideous things that Patti has said in the time I’ve watched this program. Not cool, Patti.
Michael stops by the office and says that Natasha is a little too aggressive for him and that he’s more feeling the friend level with her. “If the two people are subdued, might as well be corpses in the ground,” Patti concludes.
She finally gives up and declares that Michael is a “work in progress.”
Laughably, Shauna comes back to the office again, and Patti wants to set him up with a celebrity chef… but it quickly ends in a huge fight and Patti boots her out.
“Sorry, b—-, you’re out of the club, because I’m done with you.” This is what we call a Millionaire Matchmaker mic drop moment.
The end o’ the episode captions tell us that “Michael didn’t see Natasha again. He’s still trying to find his inner ‘hunter,’” and that “Shauna is still searching for her ‘Mr. Big,’ as long as he’s young and hot.”
So looks like Patti went 0-2, what we’d call ohfer in sports, in this edition of TMM.
Some stats and info about The Millionaire Matchmaker – “Shauna & Michael”
TV SHOW – The Millionaire Matchmaker
SEASON/EPISODE – Season 3, Episode 3
NETWORK/STREAMING SERVICE – Bravo
AIR DATE – February 2nd, 2010
GENRE – Reality TV, Dating Shows, Trashtastic TV
STARS – Patti Stanger, Destin Pfaff, Rachel Federoff, Shauna Raisch, Michael Persall
NETFLIX DESCRIPTION – With Patti’s expert advice, a real estate developer attempts to overcome his crippling shyness to find the love connection he’s been searching for.